


What have you done?

by Tildathings



Category: Sherlock Holmes - fandom
Genre: A letter that triggers a suicide., Coming Out, Dinner with Richard and Sherlock., Hamish Watson’s life, Homophobia, Hugging, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, John’s Father, John’s childhood, M/M, Moving On, New client for Sherlock, Not suicide Sherlock or John, Oliver’s pancakes House, Sex, Sherlock and OMC in the paper, Sherlock’s back, Sorry but more chapters are coming., Suicide, Upset John, Workin hard with a psychiatrist, pair therapy, pub night, really poorly written sex scene, therapy session with John and Peter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-07-27 14:31:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16221053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tildathings/pseuds/Tildathings
Summary: John have been invited by Sherlock on a pub night?!Sherlock said to him at Monday that Greg and Mike wanted him too come with them on a pub night. Sherlock is afraid that he would do something wrong socially left alone, so could John come with him?When John arrives at the pub Two Broken Heart’s he sees Sherlock talking too a man.





	1. Two Broken Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Yesterday I got a kind person beat reading this new fic. From hole my heart. Thank You for your hard work MazzO6tea6. 
> 
> Tildathings/ Tilda

John is on his way home to Sherlock on the tube. It’s a Saturday evening and Sherlock surprised him on Monday by asking if he wanted to go out with him to a pub this weekend. Sherlock had said that Greg and Mike had asked him to come and he was afraid that he would mess things up if he went alone. 

John still lives with Rosie in the home he shared with Mary. Last week it was a year ago that Mary was killed. 

John and Sherlock’s relationship is better but not as good as it was before the Fall. They go on some cases when John doesn’t work or has to take care of Rosie. Sometimes Rosie and he stays over at Baker Street for a night. John doesn’t know what he should do to make things better between him and Sherlock.

Sherlock has in the last months become more reluctant to talk about things that don’t revolve around Rosie or cases. He’s cold and analytical towards John but obviously loves Rosie, or “Watson”, as he keeps calling her. 

Sherlock is very tactile against and never tries to get away when she wants a hug or a kiss. He even offers hugs and kisses himself when they meet after being away from each other for some time.

The only reaction he gives John is a distracted smile because all his focus is on Rosie.

They play and he takes good care of her the times John leaves her with him. Rosie is very happy every time she realizes that they’re on the way to Sherlock. 

Tonight Rosie is with Molly and her new boyfriend Ian. She is finally getting over her infatuation in Sherlock. Ian and she have been dating for 4 months and Molly is interested to see how Ian reacts to a child. John has emphasized to her to call if it becomes too much for Ian or Rosie. 

John’s phone give a signal for a text message and he puts his hand in his pocket to retrieve it to read the message.

“See you at the pub Two Broken Hearts, Maryland road. Greg and I are on our way there now”

John frowns at the message and thinks that’s a pub all sorts of people go to. Harry has told him that if she had to go to a straight pub she would choose this pub. He thought it was stupid of her to talk about a pub visit because of sobriety problem. She has been sober for 14 months now and found a new woman to date a month ago. He was happy but worried over her new relationship in case it didn’t work out for them.

When he gets to the pub he sees Greg, Mike and Sherlock are at the bar. Sherlock is talking to another man looking happy and relaxed. 

He looks stunning in a dark red shirt and a black suit. His hair falls down over his forehead in soft curls. 

“John! Come here man, what do you want?” Greg cries when he sees John.

Sherlock and the man turn and look at John and Sherlock nods his head and smiles. He then return and starts talking to the other man again. John lingers with his eyes on the other man. 

He’s about as tall as him, broad shoulders and blond hair. He thinks the man is about 35 years old. He snaps out from his inspection of the man and answer Greg’s questions.

“A beer, please Greg. Who’s he?” He nods at Sherlock and the other man.

“I don’t know. Do you know, Mike?”

“No, idea. I have never seen him before.” Mike looks at Sherlock and the man with a sour look on his face. 

John goes to Sherlock to say hi.

“Sherlock, is everything okey?” John ogle the man next to Sherlock at the same time as John puts his right hand on Sherlock’s nearest arm and squeezes his arm a little.

“Yes, of course it is, John”

John is still staring at the man.

“Oh, you haven’t met Richard? He come to me with a case about lost documents.” 

“Hi, John. Sherlock has told me about you and Rosie. She’s a beautiful girl.” 

“You have met my daughter?” Now John is staring at Sherlock with steel in his eyes that are so dark blue they look brown. 

“Yes, remember you came early to me one morning not so long time ago because you needed someone to take care of Rosie?”

“The highway accident with all those cars. That was two weeks ago.”

“Well, I and Richard had decided to meet for lunch that day. So the three of us had lunch instead for only us.”

“John, your beer!” Greg calls and motions for him to come and get it.

“Go! Have a fun night out. You haven’t been out socially without Rosie for a long time. Your period of mourning is over now. Try to move on, John. Date again. I have realized at last that even I most move on. Good luck with the ladies, John” Sherlock gives John a sad smile and turns back to Richard and starts to talk with him.

John stands there stunned, looking at Sherlock’s back. 

“John! Don’t just stand there! Come and get your beer!

Like in a fog John goes over to Greg and Mike.

He takes his beer and swallow down more than half the pint in one go. 

“Steady on! It’s early in the evening and there are many interesting ladies to chat with.”

“Why would I want to meet a woman again?” Both Greg and Mike laugh at what he said.

“John, as Sherlock said when he talked us into being your wingmen this evening, you’re out of mourning now and you must start to think of your future.” 

“Has Sherlock organized this pub evening? So I would start to date again? Did he tell you that he also had a date tonight?”

Greg and Mike look at Sherlock and Richard before they say anything.

“He didn’t say anything to me but he was here when we come here.”

Greg plucks his lower lip with his fingers, thinking.

“No, Sherlock only said hi and started speaking with him just before you come. Who’s he?” 

“A former client. They had lunch with Rosie two weeks ago!”

“And you didn’t know?” 

“No! He didn’t tell me anything about Richard. Now he wants me to move on with the ladies because he has at last realized that he must move on too?!”

“I can understand that.” Mike nods and looks like he agrees with what Sherlock said. 

“He has been waited long enough.”

“Waiting for what?” John is now angry at Mike. What is he talking about?

“He has to move on after a unhappy love affair, obviously!”

“How’s that obvious?!”

“Calm down, John! He hasn’t been on a date for years. Therefore there must be a reason for it.”

“I thought he was asexual and married to his work?”

“Well, he’s getting a divorce now!”

Greg points and John turn around and sees Sherlock and Richard kissing. Nobody else in the pub seems to react to what they’re doing.

John looks around in the pub but nobody even looks at the two men kissing. Why doesn’t anyone react? 

“Sorry, I need the gents!” He abruptly leaves and goes to the toilets.

Greg and Mike looks after him and then turn and look at Sherlock. 

Sherlock is so into Richard that he hasn’t seen John leaving.

“What are you doing?” Greg mumbles to himself looking at Sherlock with a astonished look.

“He’s giving up on John. That’s what’s he’s doing. Enough is enough even for Sherlock.” 

“Not gay! How many times have we both heard him say that? You know, if it wasn’t so stupid it would be funny!”

“No, it isn’t funny but we can’t do much about it. They must be the ones that work themselves out. We can only be here, supporting them both and praying that neither of them do something they both will regret.”

John is collecting his thoughts inside a toilet cubicle. The only thing he wants to do is cry his heart out but he swallows down his feelings.

“Sherlock wants me to find a woman, then I will find a woman! I wonder whether he will follow us home or if he will get Mycroft to do a security check on her?” He feel laughter bubbling up in him at that thought. 15 minutes later he leaves the toilet.

Greg and Mike are sitting at a table in the middle of the pub. Sherlock and Richard comes back after they have been smoking outside.

John frowns at him over the fact that he’s been smoking.

“It was only a cigarette. Don’t look at me like I have taken drugs!”

He says when he meets John at the table. Richard goes to a table beside Greg’s and Mike’s table. John take a chair and sits down besides Mike. Not saying anything in response to Sherlock. Only glaring at Sherlock back when he goes to sit down besides Richard.

Two women comes over to John’s table. They start talking to Greg, they seem to know him. After a little while Greg introduces the two women to Mike and John.

“This is Mike and John, two old friends and these are two co-workers of mine. Eve works as a policewoman and Maud is a secretary at my department.”

Eve is a short blond woman with brown eyes and a big smile. 

Maud is her opposite, she has dark long hair and is tall. She looks down so John can’t see her eyes. She talks very little and looks uncomfortable.

John smiles at Maud and fetches her a chair to sit beside him.

“It’s always nerve wracking to meet new people” John says in low voice to her.

“Is it so obvious that I’m uncomfortable?” She bites her lip and looks John in his eyes. Now he can see she has clear blue eyes. 

“I don’t think so but I have a best friend that’s dislikes this sorts of things. Tonight he seems to like being here with his new boyfriend.” The irritation clear in his voice.

“You mean Sherlock Holmes?”

“Yes.”

“Good for him. He’s been so lonely for years now after he returned. Sometimes he comes to me with two cups of coffee trying to disguise it as him wanting something from me. He’s a good man, John.”

“I know!”

Maud bites her lips again looking for a long time at John. Then she turns and looks at Sherlock and Richard. She starts to talk still not looking at John.

“I told him about six months ago to start taking care of himself and changing his life to something better for him. He really enjoys his time with Rosie and is happy that you now trust him with her. After some time talking to each other we even talked about him being gay and wanting a partner in his life. He had just realized that you would never move back to Baker Street and you soon would find a new girlfriend or wife.”

“Really? He talked with you about that?” Amazement in his voice.

“We recognize each other in our similarities. I’m usually very private person but he’s one of few people that I think of as a friend.”

She is quite for a moment before she says.

“Please, John don’t hurt him anymore. Move on. Be his friend.”

“What do you mean?! I am his friend.”

“Yes, but you’ve not forgiven him for leaving you at Bart’s and after that your wife’s death. It’s a hard burden for him to bear. Don’t take away your friendship and Watson from him now that you’ve given him that. I don’t think he could go on if you did.”

“He expected me to go on after he committed suicide.” John says through clenched teeth.

“If he hadn’t done that Mrs Hudson, Lestrade and you would have been killed by three assassins. You and the other two would have been killed there and then.”

John just breathes for a moment before he can bring himself to say anything. Then he looks at Sherlock who has only eyes for Richard. Laughing at something the other man just said.

“Did he tell you that?”

“No, Anderson and Lestrade told me that.”

“How did they know?”

“Lestrade because of Mycroft Holmes and Sherlock told Anderson he thought he had the right to know.”

“And I didn’t?” His voice is so suppressed with anger.

“When should he have told you? When you were hitting him at different restaurants? Or when you didn’t talk to him? At the wedding preparations with Mary in the room or at the wedding? Oh, you mean on your honeymoon? He could have messaged you or Skyped! Would that have been good?”

John looks at the angry woman before him. In the corner of his eye he sees Sherlock reaction that he had understood that they were arguing.

Sherlock says something to Richard before he smoothly stands and goes over to John and Maud.

“What are you two arguing about?”

“Only that John is stupid and doesn’t see what is right before his eyes.”

“Maud! St- Sherlock is trying to interrupt Maud. 

“No! She’s right! We need to talk and we both need it right now!”

“John, this is- Sherlock trying to interrupt John

“Yes! Right now! I’m going to ask the bartender if we can borrow a quiet room for a moment. I won’t accept a no for an answer.” John is glaring at Sherlock with both anger and frustration. 

“Okey.” Sherlock looks scared. When John realizes that Sherlock is scared of him he understands that maybe he must do something about that first.

“Do you want someone coming with us? 

“Maybe Greg? He knows everything, John. Mycroft has told him everything about what happened.”

“Mary? 

“Everything.”

“Okey. Good to know.” John’s left hand is twitching with emotions.

Richard looks on with a worried face. 

“John, I have gotten a room there we can talk.” Greg put a hand on John’s left arm to guide him into the room. Slowly Sherlock follows the two men.

The room they enter into is a staff room. The room has a table with four chairs and a old sofa. A little kitchenette to the right side. Table and chairs in the middle, sofa to the left side.

Sherlock nearly falls down on the sofa. His eyes are so big and gray in its color, like wolfs eyes.

“Maud told me about the assassins that had the order to shoot Mrs Hudson, Greg and me that hateful day when you jumped?”

“Yes, Mycroft has confirm that to me!” The answer comes instantly from Greg. 

“Be quiet Greg! Too many people have talked with me about this but never me and Sherlock. I need us to talk and really tell each other what happened and what we feel. I have worked so hard with my new therapist so I could go home to Baker Street and you and not be afraid that I will ever hurt you again. Every Tuesday and Friday I have gone to meeting after meeting. Struggling to open up and be true to myself.”

“What have you done? Why didn’t you tell me?” Flabbergasted Sherlock looks at John. 

“Because I was so ashamed over myself and even afraid. My therapist, Peter Morse said I must organize both my brain and my living space and understand why I behave in the way I do. First when that is done I could think of moving back in with you.”

“But for crying out loud! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Afraid, ashamed and terrified!” Breathing hard John fights to calm down. After some deep breaths he starts talking again.

“First I was afraid to hurt you. The more I worked with myself the more I realized who and what I am. The last straw was when I went through my father’s diaries. Harry gave them to me when I visited her in September. She told me she thought I should read them. The diaries helped her so much with understanding why dad treated her the way he did. I didn’t start to read them at first. I told Peter about them and what Harry said to me when she gave them to me.”

“Whatever has this too do with Sherlock?” Greg angrily interrupts.

“I want to know. Your father’s abuse hurt you and your sister so much. Go on, John.” Sherlock’s voice is calm but it has a warmth to it.

“My father was closet homosexual. He lived in fear all his life. I really can’t understand why he wrote down anything and left the diaries behind after his death?”

“Did he have relationship with men or was it only in his mind?”

“As far as I can understand from the books he had two long relationships and many one night stands.”

“Nobody knows except the men he had affairs with? 

John nods to Sherlock’s question. 

“He married young, only 18 years old. My mother was expecting a child. Not me or Harry. The child died at birth, a boy. In the books he describes how he had been with my mother because my grandfather had started to be suspicious over his relationship with one of his friends. My grandfather was also homophobic.”

“Why- Greg tries to interrupt.

“Greg! Keep quiet!” Sherlock glares at him. “Go on, John.”

“My anger was from the same place as my fathers. Frightened to accept my true self. We were both hurt as children and teenagers for the same reason. Homophobia.”

“Yes, it must have been dramatic when Harry come out as lesbian.”

Sherlock make eye contact with Greg when he says that. 

“Not only for that reason. When I was around 13 I feel in love with a boy.” 

The room falls silent. Sherlock stares at nothing, then his mouth opens but no words comes out. 

Greg stands looking at Sherlock. 

“You feel in love with a boy?” Slowly the question comes from Sherlock.

“Before Harry declared she was a lesbian. My father had seen me hugging my friend after a rugby match that we won. My father broke my nose and my right arm that evening. The next day he took me to the hospital insisting that I fallen of the bike. He was a doctor working at that hospital, nobody said anything!”

“There was my Father with two gay kids. A doctor and active in the local church. His family had been active in the church for four generations!”

“And before 1968 homosexuality was illegal. Your father was young when it still was illegal.” 

“Yes. Peter said that maybe the rampant homophobia in my family comes from generations of gay and bisexual people in the family?”

Again silence falls over the room.

“I must apologize for every time I said, I’m not gay. I’m a bisexual man just out of the closet. Never having had any relationship with a man, only one night stands... I am so sorry that I hurt you. Especially if you’re a gay man, Sherlock.”

“I accept your apology. You and Peter most have worked hard for you too accept your bisexuality?”

“Now I think the books and meeting my father’s last lover made a big difference. His telephone number was at the last page in the last diary. He agreed to meet me for a drink last Saturday. He’s a lovely, kind old man.” 

Again John becomes silent and just breathing. Both Sherlock and Greg sees how hard it is for him to talk about this. 

“Dad met him after my mother’s suicide. In a grieving group that the church had. Marcus was grieving for his son. He also married young so the neighbours wouldn’t be suspicious of him. Yes, the law against homosexuality made him do it. But Marcus divorced his wife in 1971.”

“Do you have any problem with me being gay?” Nervously Sherlock starts to walk around the room.

John goes after him and quickly embraced him. He whisper in Sherlock right ear.

“No, my only problem was that I thought you were asexual and married to your work.”

Sherlock take a step back and take in John’s face and what he can read from it.

“You were jealous at Richard tonight?”

John blushes but holds eye contact when he answers.

“Of course I was! You’re the love of my life.”

Silently Greg leaves the room. Sherlock stand there blinking holding hard to John’s waist. Trying desperately to say anything.


	2. Chapter 2 Working on saving a friendship.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is chocked over Sherlock’s response on what he said.
> 
> Sherlock wants to work on there friendship going to therapy together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi reader. This chapter isn’t beta read so if you see any wrong spelling or grammatical problem, please let me now.   
> Tilda

Sherlock starts to shake his head and remove his hands from John’s waist and take a step back.   
His voice is so sad but has a determination too it when he says.

“I love you but I don’t think a relationship would work in the long run between us. I will fight for our friendship and a healthy relationship. Would you accept to go to Peter together with me?”

John has been reduced to a shaking mess, he can’t hear what Sherlock is saying. He is standing there screaming, inside himself.

“No, no, no, I’m to late! He loves Richard and he hates me! I have hurt him too much!

“John are you listening to me? When he gets no response from John, Sherlock take a step back and lay his left hand on John’s shoulder squeezing it carefully. “John!”

Now John comes back he sees how close Sherlock is standing again.  
He breathe in and out and then ask the most important questions for him just at the moment.  
“Are you in love with Richard?”  
“No, I like him and I want to see if it can work between us. It’s only our third date and I think you have been a massive cockblocker! I don’t think he wants to go home and do the dirty after this evening?   
“Sorry! I am sorry that I messed up your date”  
“Well you have the right after all the time I cockblock your dates before.” Sherlock say’s this with a smile. 

“You said something just now but I wasn’t listening to you?”  
“I said, our friendship is important to me and I will fight for it. I want our relationship to be healthy. Do you want to work on it together with your therapist Peter?”  
“You mean, you don’t hate me?”  
“Of course I don’t hate you! I love you! But I don’t want to start a relationship with you and lose you after three month’s or one year or after what time it takes for you to leave. That’s something I can’t stand to even think about!”

“Soooo, yyyou won’t start anything because you can lose me?!”

Sherlock only looks John in his eyes. They’re just standing there looking into each other’s eyes.   
After some time John says with a deep sigh.  
“I couldn’t stand to lose you either.” 

“I know. We have hurt each other too much already to be a couple, John.”  
He breathe for a moment keeping eye contact with John.   
“But one thing I can’t do is to never see you or not having you in my life. Even if we only do stupid things like arguing over who will pay the taxi driver after we done a case.”

“I always pay the taxi driver!”

“What do you say about my idea of us going to your therapist Peter and discuss our relationship?  
“You think that would help us?”

“Yes, and I have things to tell you and that I need help to tell you in a way that wouldn’t break us even more. Things about my time away from you and some personal information about myself that I have problems with telling you.”  
“Okey. I will talk to Peter at Tuesday when we’ve the next session.”  
“Thank you. I will do my very best to not disappoint you”   
“Friends?”  
“Always John. You’re my dearest friend.” He opens his arms and John goes immediately into them for a hug.  
“I don’t think Richard would like this.” He whispers in Sherlock’s ear.  
“He already knows how important you’re for me”

Sherlock lets go of John.   
John doesn’t want to let go off of him but he realizes that he must.

“Come on John! Let us go and have a drink with our friends.”  
“Don’t you want to go back to the date with Richard?  
“Richard has his baggage too from his own relationship, he will understand.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………...

Tuesday comes and John is very nervous when he meets Peter at his office. Peter raises an eyebrow when he sees how nervous John is.  
“What’s up? You’re very nervous today, why?

John is coughing and humming a bit before he decides to talk.  
“I come out to Sherlock Saturday evening,,,,,,,,,,,” he takes some sips of water and a deep breath before he starts talking again.   
“I also told him that he’s the love of my life.”

John is fighting to breathe. Peter is calm and quietly waiting for John to calm down. When John breathing is normal again Peter asks him a question.

“How was Sherlock reaction?”  
“He said he loves me but he didn’t want a relationship with me.” John is speaking calmly but blinking to keep the tears from not falling.  
“I didn’t hear when he the first time said that he wants to be my friend. I was panicking and didn’t hear anything that he said.   
Peter nods in understanding what John is talking about. 

“He was trying to tell me that he will fight for our friendship. He wants us to go to therapy together. Maybe you would take us on?”  
“Sherlock suggested that I would be your therapist?”  
“I think he was surprised that you have made it possible for me to accept my bisexuality?”  
“I want to meet and talk to Sherlock myself before I decide if I can help you two or if another therapist can help you guys better?”  
“Alright, I will give you his number.”  
“Good. So what do you want to talk to me about coming out to Sherlock?”  
……………………………………………………………………………………………  
It’s Wednesday afternoon and Sherlock is sitting in Peter Morse reception. His secretary, a young men around 25 had offered him tea or coffee because Peter was running late. Sherlock is wondering why both John and the secretary calls him Peter and not Dr Morse? 

He hade research Dr Peter J Morse, he has even asked Mycroft about him!   
Mycroft told him that John has asked for a secure psychiatrist before he started going to Peter.   
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sherlock was still upset that nobody told him what John did.  
“Sherlock, even John has the right to his privacy. Do you tell John everything you do?”  
Sherlock didn’t answer Mycroft.

After researching Peter J Morse he now knows that Peter is a 58 years old ex military. Major in the British Air Force.15 years ago he made a career change. He started studying psychology and became a psychiatrist. He became a Dr in psychology in record time after eight years of study. Normally it takes between 9 to 12 years to becoming a Doctor in psychology. He and a partner had started this agency 7 years ago. They were known for their discreteness. Often working for the government.   
The photo showed a man, not a conventional good looking man but with a face you immediately trusted. 

The young secretary Theo is very nice and obviously finds Sherlock attractive. He’s flirting in a discreetly way. Sherlock is surprise at himself because he enjoys the man’s flirtation and is flirting back. Theo looks like a young Harrison Ford, like he looked in the first Indiana Jones films. 

Richard had made him look at the film last night. It was good to have company again. Sherlock thought that Richard was quite good company in small doses. “He talks a bit too much, he doesn't like to sit silent without saying a word now and then. No, he isn’t like John-“ 

Peter Morse comes out to the reception. Quietly speaking with Theo.  
“Mr Holmes? Nice to meet you, I’m Peter Morse.”  
“Nice to meet you too.” They shake hands and afterwards Peter shows him into his office.

Peter starts of the session with saying. “I always ask my clients to call me Peter and If it’s all right with you I can call you by your first name? It’s easier to talk about hard things if we don’t have to talk over the barrier of Mr and Dr.  
“Yes, of course. My name is William Sherlock Scott Holmes, called Sherlock!”

“Good. I have heard from John that you two wants to go into therapy together to save your friendship? I know from both John and the media what you two been through under your time as friends”   
“You read about what I did in media when it happened?”  
“Call it a professional interest, suicide is always intriguing for a psychiatrist. Especially if the suicide isn’t a suicide?”  
“Yes I can understand that it was.”  
“John told me that you had things to tell him that you didn’t know how to do.  
What is it you want to tell John in therapy?”  
Sherlock take a moment too get his thoughts and feelings together and starts telling Peter what he think John and he needs help with.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………  
Thursday, at John’s therapy session Peter tells him that he will take on there pair therapy. He think it would work if John goes on his own therapy session at Tuesday’s and pair session at Wednesday. Sherlock will go on pair session on Wednesday and his own session at Thursday. 

“What do you think about that idea? Sherlock was positive to the suggestion yesterday.”   
“That would probably work. I’m a bit surprised that Sherlock is so eager to do this?”  
“John, you mean so much to him.”  
John snorts and reply quickly.”Yes, I mean so much he kills himself before my eyes and doesn’t return before two years later as a waiter!”

Peter is nodding before he answers John.  
“I can see why you think that. Therefore it’s important that you two talk with each other in a safe place.”  
“He’s afraid of me? Is that the reason he wants to do it at therapy?”  
“No, he’s afraid of himself. He knows he wouldn’t stop you if you tried to hit him again. John, you’re not in a healthy relationship! Even if it’s *only friendship* relationship as you said last time.”

John is quite, trying to understand and process what Peter are saying.  
“I was angry and frustrated over that he said he loves me but chose to be with Richard, at the same time he said he didn’t love Richard but likes him.”  
“I understand what you’re saying but you must understand that Sherlock isn’t doing this to save a partner relationship between you two. He’s doing this to save your friendship.”  
“You mean that we will never be together as a couple?”  
“I don’t think that’s on the table just now? You’re both too hurt, maybe in the future? Who knows?”  
“I don’t want to lose him as a friend either.”  
“Good. Then I tell Sherlock the result of my discussion with you today.  
I think it’s best if you two don’t see or talk to each other before our first pair session. What do you think about that?”

“He will be seeing Richard in the meantime?”  
“John!” Peter’s voice is a warning. “Sherlock and Richard relationship isn’t up for discussion here. They do whatever they want, as they’re two grown men.”

John isn’t happy about it but he says very quietly.  
“I will not see or talk to Sherlock and I won’t interfere in his new relationship.”  
“Good. I will tell Sherlock to do the same thing. Now I have a question about you going to the coffee shop I recommend to you, how was it being openly NOT straight, socially?  
…………………………………………………………………………………………….  
First pair session with Peter.

John, Sherlock and Peter were sitting in Peter’s office and they are all silent because Peter doesn’t say anything. Peter only waits for one of the two men to break the silences. John is fiddling with a pencil and paper that he has in his hands at some reason. 

“Why did you want to do therapy with me? What haven’t you told me?”John’s voice is upset and aggressive.  
“John, take a breath. What are you angry about? That Sherlock wants to save your friendship or any other reason?” Peter’s question is said with a very soft voice.

It’s hard for John to find the right words and he isn’t sure he can ask the things he wants to ask. Questions about Richard and what they have done this last week burns in his mind and at his tongue. After mulling it over he decides on asking.

“What are you afraid to tell me about *the fall*?”  
“Oh, so many things.” Abrupt Sherlock stops speaking. Seeking support from Peter with a look.  
“Sherlock, telł him about your feelings at the time Irene and John met at Battersea station.”

Sherlock is staring at Peter like he could make him disappear if he was determined enough.  
“No, I will not disappear. You know you most tell him about your university years.This is a abscess in your relationship that we have to clean up for your friendship to survive.”

“This is so hard for me to talk about.” Sherlock sighs.  
After a short moment to gather his thoughts he starts to speak in a low voice, nearly whispering.

“When I met you I realized that you were bisexual and in the closet. You tried to pick me up for a fuck at Angelo’s.” John recoil when he hears Sherlock words. Sherlock never use vulgar language.  
Determine Sherlock resume to speak.

“My first and second boyfriend’s was also bisexual men and both were in the closet. At the time at uni I was also in the closet but I‘m gay. Both my boyfriend’s left me too some degree because they were afraid of that anyone would understand that we were together.”

Again he becomes silent, thinking over what to tell John.   
John lays down pen and paper on the besides his chair.

“The first one left me when I was to clever and deduced that his father had embezzled money from his employer many years ago. Being afraid to be outed from the closet was a extra reason to drop our relationship, the reason he decided to use when he ended it.”

He stops speaking and only breathe. He’s staring at nothing, remembering all hurtful things that happened to him long time ago.

“Go on, the second boyfriend? Again Peter urges him to tell his past.

“My second boyfriend? We were only *boyfriend’s* in his or my room! For him I was a good fuck when he couldn’t get a girl.” 

It’s obvious for the two other men that Sherlock doesn’t want to talk about this.

“What happened at Battersea when you heard John and Irene talk?” A quick look at Peter, then Sherlock reply.  
“I realized that you would never accept being a openly bisexual man. Irene told you she so right through your bullshit of *not being gay*. Even then you couldn’t say, yes I am.”  
Sherlock doesn’t look at John, he looks down on the floor before his feet.

“Again I was in a situation there I could be thrown away by you if you found the right woman. I realized you would never be open in any situation that you’re bisexual.”

“Because of that you throw yourself from a building?”

“No, You know why I did that.” Their eyes meets and holds for a long time before John asks a question.

“Sherlock, What are you trying to say?”  
“After that meeting at Battersea I realized that we would never be a couple.   
The only relationship with sex we could ever have would be at best a *friends with benefits* way. The only one knowing would be us.”

Again Sherlock stops speaking. The room is so silent that if a pin dropped it would be too loud. Peter doesn’t say a word. He first looks for John’s reaction, then Sherlock’s.

“I walked a long way home thinking about what to do. Thinking over my options before seeing you again. Start a secret whatever or move away from you, leave the flat?  
He shakes his head remembering all his thoughts at that moment.

“I couldn’t do it because then the drugs would be to tempting for me.   
I decided to never let you know that I knew that you were bisexual and had thought of us doing the dirty. I didn’t want that, for me it was and still are, all or nothing.”

“Why did you then always interrupt my dates? John asks, Without humor Sherlock laugh and answers.  
“Jealousy! Pure and simple.”

“I didn’t think you would miss me for any time period. I’m sorry, John! But I thought if I wasn’t there and interfered in your dates you soon would find a woman too marry. You always found a woman to date! You would soon forget me and have a happy married life with maybe some kids I thought?”

“Who are the two men that hurt you?”

“They’re not important in this discussion, John “  
Peter says with a determined voice. Pinning John down with his eyes that said; drop this question!

“The funny thing is that when I was away I forgot that I thought you would find a woman and marry her. I talked to you daily in my Mind Palace, I told you all the things I wanted us to do when I come home. In reality it’s a hard thing to remain sane when you’re on the hunt and are being hunted back. I didn’t realize that you had moved out of Baker Street and met a woman before Mycroft told me.”

“You had time to speak to a ghost but you hadn’t time to phone me or write to me.”  
Peter interrupt John question.

“I think we take a breather now. Sherlock would you be so kind and go out to Theo and do the things we talked about at your last session?”

Sherlock nearly falls out of his chair. Wobbling, he goes to the door that leads to Theo in the reception.

“What is it with him? John is flabbergast over Sherlock not so coordinated walk.

“After the break Sherlock will do something that requires courage. You said before when you talked about his two years away that he was on a adventure?”  
“Yes! What about it? He did want me to come with him!”  
“John, breath and take a moment. Sherlock will need you to see and understand why he did what he did. This will be hard for both of you, so be as brave as you can even for Sherlock sakes. I’m afraid he can have a break down, doing this. Abscess, must be clean out, John!”  
“You’re scaring me now!”  
“Yes, and I mean it as a warning. Be prepared for what you will see in a moment.”

Ten minutes later Sherlock returns dress in his deep blue housecoat.  
He sees so scared and small out in the doorway. Peter goes to him at the door, talking with him a calm quiet voice. Peter turns and comes and stands before John. 

“I want you to see for yourself how much *fun* Sherlock had on his adventure.”  
He turns and says to Sherlock.  
“Please, I’m so sorry that you have to do this but it’s the only way for John to fully understand what you had to go through.”

He comes and stands between John and Peter. He opens the housecoat and lets it fall to his feet at the floor.   
John looks up on his back and gasps.  
“Sherlock! What! I must,,,,,,,,toilet,  
He rushes out to the toilet in the reception.

Sherlock is shaking and tears falls down his cheeks, angrily he wipes the tears away.

“Good, now you have shown him that his thoughts about how *fun* you two would have had it if you had taken him with you is false.”  
“Yes, but I hurt him too!”  
“Sherlock, the truth always better in the end. Hang in there!”  
“No, the truth is not always-

John comes back into the room and goes quietly behind Sherlock and ask.  
“Can I please hold you?” Peter looks at Sherlock and nods. Sherlock answers John.  
“Go ahead. I know you want to look at the scars.” He steals himself for John’s hands on his back.

John moves so close to Sherlock back. His right hand goes to Sherlock hart and his left hand on his stomach, near the hole Mary put there with her bullet. His nose goes into Sherlock’s left side neck. He breathe in Sherlock’s body scent. 

After some moments when Sherlock’s shock and panic subside he lays his hands on John’s hands and squeezing them a little.

Peter is sits down in his chair, he isn’t looking at them. Giving them a little bit of privacy.

“I’m sorry. I was so angry and jealous that I couldn’t think straight.” John is whispering and kisses Sherlock’s neck at the same time.   
“I couldn’t show you, didn’t know how to tell you-“  
“You have done it now, you’re so brave.”

They stands there a long time, swaying together and holding on to each other.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………  
Sherlock’s session after revealing his tortured back.

Sherlock and Peter is sitting in the office looking at each other. Peter is waiting for Sherlock to start the session when he feels ready to talk. Sherlock doesn’t want to talk or even be there, in this office with a man that he thinks can read his mind as good as he can read Peter’s. 

He’s starting to realize that he really respect Peter and his intelligence. At the same time it’s nerve wracking to be read in the same way that’s he reads people.

“You want me to tell you what I feel after yesterday?  
“If you can tell me? Sometimes it’s hard to find the words for such a experience.”  
“Afraid, glad that I at last told him. I think that is most of the feelings at the moment?”  
“You’re afraid on what reason?”  
“I don’t know?”  
Peter isn’t saying anything in response to Sherlock last words. He calmly looks at Sherlock, waiting for him to talk. 

“Maybe John will realize I’m not worth the work to go in therapy?”  
“Why do you think that?”  
“I more or less told him that he can’t stay in the closet if he wants to have a relationship with me. Friendship or a partnership?”  
“I think that’s good that you told him your limits and what you need from him.  
He can accept your limits or lose you from his life, that’s his decision to make.  
What would you feel and do if he couldn’t leave the closet?”  
Sherlock is thinking the question over for some time. Peter remains quiet, waiting for him to answer.

“I could be friends with him if he accepted that I would never again hide that I am gay.”  
“What about having a sexual relationship?”  
“No.”  
“You would tell him that even after yesterday’s affection from John?”  
“What is it people say, been there, done that? No, I can’t do that a third time in my life.”  
“That’s a important discovery for you. I know how much you love John and how much it hurts you to let him go. But Sherlock, in the long run this is the right thing to do for both yourself and John sake.”  
“He will fight against it.”  
“I will help you to stay strong in your decision. As a friends you have no saying in him staying or leaving the closet. You know what he is and can support him as a friend. But a relationship on the permission that he will stay in the closet?  
“That would never work.”  
“That would hurt even your friendship and maybe make you start using drugs again.”  
“I will need help from you to stand my ground on this!”  
“I will help you.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Friday 09.15 at Dr John Watson’s office room.

He phones Peter J Morse office and Theo the secretary answers the call.  
“Hi, Theo, it’s John Watson. This is a bit of a emergency call. Is it possible for me to get a session with Peter today?”  
“Hi, Dr Watson, if it’s a emergency I will ask him if he can meet you today?”  
“Yes! Please, ask him. It’s really urgent for me to speak with him today!”  
“I will call you back as soon as I know if he can or not.”  
“Thank you!”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………...  
Theo phones back 20 minutes later.

“Dr Watson?”  
“Yes, can he meet me?”  
“He can meet you after normal working hours at half past six?”  
“Thank you, yes I need to talk to him today.”  
“Then he willing to see you at that time”  
“I will be there half past six, Thank you.”  
……………………………………………………………………………………………  
Peter J Morse office that evening.

Peter starts of with sitting quite and deducing John for a minute.  
John has the same feeling he normally has when Sherlock is trying to deduce him without asking questions.  
“So, John what’s happened this morning?”  
“Did you see Standard’s first page this morning?”  
“No, I haven’t seen it. Why have the papers first page upset you so much?  
“Sherlock and Richard are on it with photos and at page three a interview with Sherlock.” 

John has difficulties sitting still in the chair. His left hand is cleansing and opening and he’s shifting around on the chair.  
“What did the photos show?”  
“One photo was on them at a film store selecting a DVD, a other photo is take when they are strolling through Regent park. They go arm in arm, Sherlock laughing and Richard looking at him with heart eyes!”  
“John, again Sherlock and Richard’s relationship isn’t anything that you have anything to say about.” 

John’s response comes immediately.  
“Even when Sherlock talks about me in the interview?”  
“What did he say that upset you so much?”  
“The journalists asked if they were on a date. Sherlock said, yes!

John raises from the chair and walks around agitated in the room breathing hard.  
“Still nothing that’s has anything to do with you?  
“Next question was if Sherlock was gay!”  
Peter sighs and looks on John with a look that says, “come on man, don’t be ridiculous!”

“Still nothing to do with me!? What about this then, the reporter asks if *Dr Watson was a former lover*?!”  
“Sherlock’s answer to that question?”  
John moves around even more aggressive in the room. Stopping in front of the window and looking out. At last he answers Peter’s question.

“He said no and asked if the reporter missed that he’s been away from London two years and after when he returned I got married and had a child.”

John shakes his head and return to look at Peter.  
“He then says I quote,*two men can be friends with each other were on of them are gay and the other is straight* end of quote.”  
“Well, his right with that quote. And you two are only friends. You haven’t been lovers or sexual partners. So why are you so angry?”

John explodes, angrily screaming.  
“He answered a question to a reporter that concerns me without asking me first what to say!”  
“Did he out you in any way?” Peter very calmly asks.

John is staring at Peter. His mind in a jumble. Sherlock hadn’t outed him. He had said to the reporter that he was straight. 

“The reporter asked if Richard and I had met each other.” John’s voice has no emotion at all now.  
“Sherlock answered that we met each other on a pub night with mutual friends.”

“Any more question in the interview that upset you?” Peter asks quietly.  
John goes back to his chair and sits down.  
“No, that’s all”

“So to summarize; Sherlock and Richard are on a date. They’re at a store selecting a film to see at home. A reporter or photographer from the paper Evening Standard sees them and takes photos of them. After visiting the store they stroll through Regent Park arm in arm having fun with each other. Like thousands of people do on a date.”

Peter stopping to take a breath and give John a chance to say something.  
When John doesn’t say anything he remains retelling the story.

“The Reporter makes contact with Sherlock and his date. Sherlock knows that Richard is out of the closet for many years and have no problems with people knowing that he isn’t straight.”

A new paus and chance for John to say something. He doesn’t say anything in response he’s only glaring at Peter.

“Sherlock decision at that time he must tell the reporter the truth. Knowing that all media will pick it up in no time, that he’s gay and on a date.” 

Again Peter waits on a reaction from John.

“That’s his right to do so, John!”  
Peter’s voice is determined to let John know that he hasn’t any right to question Sherlock’s decision.

“He isn’t outing anyone other then himself. When he’s asked about you he answers truthfully that you are friends, nothing more and nothing less than that. You two have never been anything more than that to each other then best friends. He even goes so far that he says that you’re straight but his friend.”

Now can John not look at Peter anymore, He looks down on his feet.

“I think he handled the situation very good. If he hadn’t said anything and the reporter had hounded him home to Baker Street.”

“What had then been printed in the paper this morning?”   
“Scandal!” Peter smashes his hands together in a loud bang!  
“Sherlock Holmes is on a date with a man!” Peter gasps.  
“Who is his date?” He says the line with question mark at the end of the words.  
“Sherlock Holmes old *friend* Dr John Watson, was he only a friend or had the two of you been in a longstanding relationship?”

Silence falls over the room, none of the two men saying anything. John’s mind is like a tumblr. His feelings are so hard for him to understand. 

“He did what he could to keep me out of rumors about me being gay or whatever.” The words comes from John in a reluctant voice.

“Yes, I said to Sherlock yesterday the same thing I will say to you now.”  
He makes eye contact with John before he says any more. When John meets his eyes he tells him.

“You have all the right in the world to come out of the closet. You have NEVER the right to out a person from the closet that isn’t out of the closet.”

“Sherlock did that yesterday.” Peter ends quietly.

“So, I haven’t any right to be upset?”  
“You have the right to feel whatever you do feel, but remember Sherlock didn’t do anything wrong here.”

“I think you most talk to Sherlock this weekend if he wants to speak with you.  
Remember what we talked about and think it over. Next session we talk about what your feelings are after you have thought it over.”

“I hoped that we were on the right road at last after Wednesday’s pair session”  
John is sighing and looking miserable.

“I know it’s hard to break now but the time is up and I think you need some rest.”  
“Oh god, Rosie!  
“Yes, and take care of your daughter.”


	3. What have you done? The weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is nervous before he contacts Sherlock on Saturday morning. They decided to meet at Oliver’s pancakes house. When John and Rosie arrive at the restaurant Sherlock and Richard is already there, drinking coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this chapter. It was hard for me to write about a child in a second language and whit my dyslexia. Find information on child words and what a child can and can’t do. Thank god for all lovely people at Johnlock fic club chat forum. Thank you!❤️
> 
> This chapter isn’t beta read! Warning!

Saturday morning at John’s house. Rosie is woken up early this morning and demanding breakfast. In the last week she has been up very early every morning.  
Now he had put her down for a short nap. He looks on the kitchen clock on the wall, It said 9.32. 

Sherlock is probably still in bed but he wants to know if they will get together today for a chat. His stomach is crouching with nerves.   
He takes out his phone from the pocket and quickly writes a message to Sherlock.

[ Please, can we see each other today? I’m not angry, only wants to know what we will say to the media after you come out yesterday. I don’t want too say anything you don’t like in the media.] sent 09.34 

The signal for a new message comes only a moment later.  
[Yes, we can meet up. Brunch at Oliver’s at 11.00?] sent 09.38

A little smile appears on John’s face. Sherlock knows that Rosie loves Oliver’s pancakes with strawberry jam.

[Yes. Rosie is napping now so if we’re a bit late it’s because of her.] sent 09.40

[See you there when Watson decides to wake up.] sent 09.42  
……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Oliver’s 11.01

John and Rosie comes in too the restaurant, he looks around for Sherlock. One member of the staff, that knows who he is and who’s his meeting nods to the next room.

He goes to the doorway into the next room and sees Sherlock and Richard sitting there both drinking a cup of something and waiting for him and Rosie to come.  
Just then Sherlock looks up and sees them in the doorway.

“John! Watson, so you decided to wake up and come to eat pancakes!”

He coming over and takes Rosie from John’s arms and kisses her forehead.  
“Darling, you’re still sleepy aren’t you?” Rosie’s little arms comes around his neck and and she puts her chin against his left chin. she hugs him as hard as she can.   
“Sheerl” She squill!   
“Yes, darling! It’s your Sheerl.” He hugs her and smiles at John.

John’s heart is pumping so hard in his chest that’s he thinks it’s a wonder that Sherlock can’t hear it.  
“Sorry for being late. Have you two been waiting for us?”  
“No, you’re not late. Richard come with me because we thought he could take care of Rosie when we talked at another table?”  
“Oh, I don’t know how that will go down with Rosie. She’s starting to be rather a daddy’s girl this latest week’s.”  
“Well, she is 18 months now and starting to realize that you’re a separate person from her. I think if she can hear us and we’re not far away it wouldn’t be a problem.”

 

Realising that he will be losing this discussion with Sherlock he sighs and goes over to the table Richard is sitting at.

“Hi Richard. I hope you won’t have a problem babysitting my daughter?”  
“Hi, no we have seen each other before and you will be nearby, anyway.”  
“She loves pancakes with strawberry jam.”  
“Yes, Sherlock has already ordered that to her.” Richard answers with a smile.

“Do you want tea or coffee, John?” Ask Sherlock standing besides the table with beverages that the visitors can take what they want from themselves.   
“Tea, Thank’s.” Sherlock starts to make tea to John.   
John looks around in the room and see a table not far away behind a trellis.  
“I will go and get us a table, see you two later.” He gives Rosie a kiss on her forehead. At the same time a waitress comes with two plates with food to Rosie and Richard. 

 

Rosie squill when she sees the pancakes and John is forgotten for a moment.

 

Sherlock comes with two cups in his hands and sits down at the table John chosen, sitting behind a trellis with a healthy green ivy. Rosie could only hear John and Sherlock’s voices but it’s makes her secure enough to eat her pancakes.

 

She was happy because the pancakes are very good and Richard is making faces and laughing with her.

 

“How easily she forgets me.” John wrinkles his eyebrows and continues then to talk. “Richard is good with her.”  
“Yes, he loves children. He’s already told me he wants to adopt or maybe try surrogate method to become a father.” Sherlock’s voices is calm and collected. He makes it sounds like that issue hasn’t got anything to do with him. 

John stares at Sherlock with a open mouth. 

“Do you want to be a father?” He’s stunned.  
Sherlock take some time to think about the question. Poring sugars in his coffee.

“I don’t know? It’s never been a issue for me before. I’m a gay, demi sexual man in my forty’s? I haven’t thought about meeting a man to have children with for a long time.”  
“Do you want to be a parent together with him?” John’s hands are gripping hard around his cup of tea.   
“I haven’t thought about it really. We have only been dating for four weeks. It’s too early to say one way or another? He sounds onshore.  
“Well, you don’t need to decide just right now?”  
“You’re right! Plenty of time later. In your message, you wanted to meet because you had questions?”

 

“Yes, I want you to know that I had a breakdown yesterday. I called Peter after I so the paper on my way to work. He kindly gave me a time in the afternoon.”  
“Why did you have a breakdown? I didn’t tell the reporter anything about you more than we’re friends?”  
“I know! Sorry, I panicked for a moment! Being openly bisexual is a big step for me. The other thing that was hard to see were you and Richard on a date.” 

 

John looks down on his hands holding hard at the tea cup that’s now nearly empty. He then says in a low voice so Richard can’t hear him if he’s trying to listen at them. 

 

“I know that’s not my business but it’s hurt to see you happy together. I know, I haven’t any right to complain after the things you went through. Seeing me and Mary at the marriage ceremony, for example.” 

John’s body shudders visibly at the thought of him standing by seeing Sherlock and Richard marry each other.   
“I’m so sorry that I did that to you.”

 

Sherlock doesn’t know how to respond. His eyes are tearing up with the memories of how hard the whole Mary palaver was to him. He can also understand how hard it is for John now after all soul searching his been through and then telling Sherlock his feelings and being rejected.

“John, I know it’s hard for you. I know!” His voice is emphatic, he then sighs and tries to collect himself. He says with a low voice.  
“We would be foolish to try too be together now. Too many things are broken between us. Too many things that would break us apart after very little problems. I can’t lose you all together from my life. You and Watson are the most important people in my life.” 

 

“Careful, Richard can hear you.” Chides John, glancing through the leaves of the ivy at Richard.

 

“He already knows this, we have talked about it. Richard has also a had past relationship that influences him even today. His husband was killed in a accident nearly two years ago. He will never love me as he loves Alexander.”   
“You’re okay with that? John doesn’t know what to think about that.  
“It’s alright because I can’t give him all of my heart either?”  
“How do we fix our relationship than?”   
“By going to therapy together and on our own therapy sessions?”  
“Thought you would say that.” John sighs, shaking his head, he then says.

 

“It’s only so bloody hard and frustrating sometimes, doing therapy.” John’s face is starting to become a bit red. Specially after what Sherlock says next.  
“What’s the alternative? Going our separate ways?”   
Sharply John looks Sherlock in his eyes, shaking his head.   
“No! Never! I will do this even if it’s kills me.”   
“Therapy it is then.” Sherlock decides to change direction of their talk.

 

“Shall we ordering some pancakes? Now John gets very surprised.   
“You will eat?”   
“I’m hungry, I thought you would be happy?”  
“Of course I’m happy that you’re eating.”

 

Sherlock decide to eat pancakes with Nutella and John’s pancakes are with raspberries and blueberries and cream.

 

Just when the pancakes are served, Richard with Rosie in his arms comes to there table.

“The little Lady have eaten and is a bit restless, I think we take a walk to the playground at the other side of the house?” He smiles at Sherlock with happiness. “Call me when you have eaten.” 

“Is that alright with you, John?” Sherlock asks John looking a bit nervous.  
“If it’s okay with Rosie, come back if she starts making a fuss.”   
“Of course, John. Say bye bye to daddy and Sherlock, Rosie. We will go to the swings!”  
Rosie that was on her way to start protesting begins to squeal when she hears about the swings. John and Sherlock waves at them.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………..

When Richard and Rosie have left them to eat. John feels more ready to ask Sherlock some questions that he was afraid to ask when Richard was nearby.

“Is it important for you that I comes out as bi?”

“No, not for us being friends, only if we’re together as a couple. John, I have already done the thing with being a couple in closet. I can’t do that anymore, it made me taking drugs and living in celibacy for many years.”

 

John sighs deeply and plays with his fork a bit before he says something.

 

“I realize that I have much work to do yet before I can do that. To come out of the closet. Harry’s right, I have many scars in my mind to heal. One thing you maybe can help me with is to find the answer why my family is so homophobic?”

 

“Do you want me take you on as a client?” Now Sherlock is very surprised.

 

“Yeah, I think that would be good. You know how hard it is for me to talk about feelings. If I could understand where this very toxic ideas and feelings against homosexuality and gay people comes from, maybe it would be easier to understand myself? It’s not normal, this hate in my family?”

 

Sherlock sits in his thinking pose for a moment. Hands against his mouth, eyes rapidly moving when he thinks.

 

“If I could meet Marcus, your father’s last lover?” He meets John’s eyes when he asks the question.  
“Yes.”  
“I would like to speak with him together with you, do you think that’s possible?”

“Marcus is a lovely older man. I don’t think he would mind meeting us to talk about Father.”  
“You never call him dad?”

“Maybe when I was a child, I haven’t called him that after the incident when he broke my arm.”  
“Didn’t he react negatively to you changing what you called him?”  
“No, he was proud over that I showed him respect.”   
“Respect?”  
“Father was more respectful than dad.” John’s voice is so low now. His body language signaling that he doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

“Call me when you have decided with Marcus too meet. I haven’t any case on at the moment only meetings with you and Peter.”  
“Richard? What will he say if you help me with my family history?”

 

Sherlock looks John in the eyes with a wrinkle in his forehead.

“I think you’re making Richard to be a bigger obstacle than he is. You’re not competing about anything. Richard already knows and understand this. He’s not jealous of you. I think he is relieved that we will try and save our relationship.”

“Why?”  
“When we met, he realizes pretty soon how hurt I was over everything that has happened between us.”   
“Why does he want me to still be in your life and maybe hurt you even more?”

“Because without you I would be much more hurt and maybe do something stupid!”  
“Stupid? No, I’m here. Please! No more drugs or falling from rooftops!”  
“I will do that if you promise me to not drink every day and only in moderation when you do drink. Can we promise to each other to do that as long as we both goes to therapy?  
“You have realized it getting harder and harder for me too not drinking?”  
“Yes.”

 

John is quite for a moment think about what Sherlock just said. Sherlock is quite and letting John think.

“I need help. I need you to talk to and give me courage in meeting myself and my family history. Will you take me on as a client?”

“I will take you on, but not as a client but as helping my dearest best friend. Every time you feel the need to drink, call me, skype to me or come over to Baker Street.”  
“But Richard-“  
“Isn’t a problem! This is you and me, how we save each other.”  
“Yes, but only if you do the same thing. Call me, skype or come over. I know you don’t like my place-“

“Then we’re in agreement?  
“Yes. I will call Marcus and arrange a meeting as soon as possible.”  
“Good, do you and Watson come with us home? She can have a nap and you call Marcus. After we can see what Ancetry.com know about your family.”  
“Yeah? I don’t have any plans for the weekend, so okey.”


	4. Chapter 4 Hamish Watson’s life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the visit to Oliver’s pancake house they all take a cab to Baker Street. 
> 
> Sherlock start his investigation of John’s parents life but specially Hamish Watson life. 
> 
> Hope you will enjoy this chapter, Tilda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lond delay for this chapter. I have been sick and had a writers block. 
> 
> Thank you upswell-cumbercookie for beta reading this chapter.
> 
> Thank you to mazzO6tea6 and srebrnafh for discussing the plot for this chapter and helping with words and phrases in English.

Decision made about what to do after they eaten. John starts talking about another matter that’s occupying his mind.

John tells Sherlock that he is thinking about moving out of his apartment. He doesn’t like living in the home that he and Mary lived in together. Sherlock asks what sort of apartment he’s looking for?

“Something central, near you and Mrs Hudson if it’s possible, but the rental is probably too high for me too manage.”   
“If you get a good price for the flats then you could maybe buy a more central apartment? If I have understood you correctly Mary had bought the flat and you inherited it from her?”  
“No, Rosie inherits it but I have the right to do what I want with it until the day she turns twenty-one. Then I must pay her the amount I get if I sell the apartment plus three percent interest.”  
“So the best thing you can do is to invest in a new apartment that probably will get a higher price if she sells it when she becomes twenty-one?”  
John grumpily nods and sighs.  
“Such flats won’t be located in the central of London!”  
“I see your problem.” Is all Sherlock responds.

Later at Baker Street, John puts down a sleeping Rosie on Sherlock’s bed. After eating pancakes and playing with Richard at the swings she fell asleep in the cab on their way to Baker Street. She looks so little, lying in the middle of Sherlock’s big bed. He pulls up the duvet over her and caresses her cheeks. She sighs in her sleep contentedly but doesn’t wake up.

John goes out to Sherlock and Richard in the kitchen. When he comes near the kitchen he sees Sherlock leaning against the kitchen table and Richard leaning into his body. Sherlock’s big hands are moving over Richard’s arms and back in gentle movements. John hears Richard sigh as he moves his head into Sherlock’s neck and kisses it.

John quietly turns and goes into the bathroom. He turns onthe taps in the sink so the other men won’t hear him if he makes any sounds.   
He puts his hands on his face and sits down on the toilets seat.   
“It has nothing to do with me! It has nothing to do with me!”  
It’s like a mantra in his head in Peter Morse’s voice.   
Another thought hits him then.  
“Those big hands of Sherlock moving so gently over the man’s body, how would it feel to be that man he’s caressing?” A shiver goes through John’s body at that thought. A longing blossoming in his heart and mind. What wouldn’t he have done for it to be him in Sherlock’s arms? 

Suddenly he hears Sherlock talking through the door.  
“Is everything alright, John? Your tea is ready, I’m starting the search of your family on the Ancestry website.”  
“Yes, everything is okay.”  
Sherlock stands silently outside the door for a moment before he hears the taps close and John is coughing inside the bathroom. He then leaves the door and goes into the living room and sits down on the couch besides Richard.  
…………………………………………………………………………….  
John takes the mug with his tea from the kitchen table and goes and sits down in the red armchair. Sherlock has his laptop and John’s birth certificate in front of him.   
He is looking at the birth certificate.

“You was born at St. Pancras Hospital the 23rd of April 1971, and your family lived at 24 Penryn Street?”  
“Yes, with my grandma and grandfather on my mother’s side.”  
“Your Father was a soldier?” He looks up with a questioning look at John.

“Yes. He started to study as a doctor in the military after a *friend* of his became injured. John Henry Doyle.”   
The room falls into silence after John says the man’s name.  
“His first long time lover?” Sherlock asks quietly.  
“Yes. John Henry and my Father were officer recruits at the same time and trained together at Sandhurst in Surrey. Hamish, that’s my Father, was 18 years old in 1965 and soon to be a father for the first time.” He looks at Richard, the man is steadily meeting his eyes. John then looks at Sherlock and continues answering his questions.

“My parents had married the day after Hamish turned eighteen. As I told you before my mother was expecting a child, a boy that died only a week after he was born.”

”Hamish joined the military because it was the easiest way to get an income to support his family. The first day of training he met J.H, as he was called, and my Father wrote in his diary *I felt like a ton of bricks of fell over me* when he met J.H for the first time.”  
“So then your Father was born 1947?”   
“Yes, he was born the first of April 1947.”  
“When was the baby born that they were expecting when they married?”  
John sighs and looks Sherlock straight into his eyes.  
“The beginning of July 1965.”

“You can apply recruitment from the day you’re 17 years and nine months. That means he knew he would be a father when he applied for the military?”  
“Yes, he decided to apply to the Army Medical Services Corps, as a medic.”  
“Your grandfather was in the AMSC to?  
“Yes, He was a Captain, but never became anything more because of problems with alcohol.”   
“How long time was Hamish at Sandhurst?  
“I think it’s the same time as it took me, 44 weeks, or maybe a bit longer?   
He and J.H were sent to the Dhofar province in Oman to the town Salalah, in January 1966. His first leave home wouldn’t be before one and half years later.”  
John looks very uncomfortable and moves his left hand over his eyes and face.  
“You were born the 23rd of April 1971. When was Harry born?”  
“The 28th of August 1968.”

With a very low voice and not looking at the other men in the room John starts to tell them his Father’s history.

“On his and J.H’s second tour, from July 1968 to the 4th of December 1969 something tragic happened in his life. J.H was killed on a mission and Hamish was injured in his right leg. Both were shot but J.H. was instantly killed. Head shot.”

After saying the last word John seems extremely upset. Sherlock looks at Richard, searching for support. Sherlock’s eyebrows raise slightly and scrunch just a little in the middle.   
His eyes seem to ask Richard *What do we do now?*  
Richard answer with a nod and a look that says *Go on!*

“Your mother! Jean Leekey, what do you know about her?”   
Swiftly John looks at Sherlock again and answers.  
“Mum? She became pregnant with my brother when she was sixteen. Hamish was her brothers Adam’s friend and they had known each other all their life. Both families were very active in the local church and later in life she became a devoted catholic. She had fancied Father for a long time and tried to catch his eye. When my grandfather Montgomery started to question why Hamish didn’t go on dates or had any girlfriends Hamish decided to ask Jean out.”

John shakes his head remembering that was exactly the way Hamish behaved against him when he was in his late teenage years. He then remembers what his mother would tell her children.

“She used to tell me and Harry that he was so good looking and manly and that she had to get him to ask her out on a date. She tried everything to get him interested.”  
“What did she do?”  
“In his diary Hamish wrote that Montgomery one Friday morning cornered him in the kitchen. Montgomery asked him if he couldn’t ask some nice girl out on a date Saturday evening, maybe to a movie and dinner? He pointed out that he was seventeen and had never asked any girl on a date. Then he silently put some money in Hamish’s breast pocket.” 

John shakes his head, seeing the scene in his mind. Father had written so vividly about the event in his diary. He couldn’t understand how Hamish later in life could behave as he did against his own children with this experience behind him. He sighs and starts telling the rest of the story to Sherlock and Richard.

“Later when Hamish looked at how much money his Father had put in his pocket, it was a big surprise. 2 pounds! At that time it was a lot of money.  
Later that day he asked Jean Leekey out on a date for the following Saturday.”

“Your mum thought she had made him interested in some way, for him to ask her out?  
She had gotten a new dress that day he asked her out. She kept the dress and would take it out to show us how good looking it was. The reason for us existing!”

Sherlock writes something down on the laptop and then asks.

“Did your mother work outside home?”

“Housewife, all her life. Her mother was sick and her in laws needed a lot of help. My grandfather Montgomery was, as I said, an alcoholic and forced to quit the military or get a dishonorable discharge. He decided to leave with the excuse that his wife was sick. My grandmother, Anne was blind from birth and had become ill with lung cancer at that time. She had been diagnosed the month before. She only lived five months after he left the military.”

”What was her name?” Sherlock doesn’t look at John. He’s writing something down on the laptop.  
“Anne Elisabeth Watson. I don’t remember what she was called before she married my grandfather.”

“Thank you, John. I know this wasn’t easy for you to tell us but it will help me in my search for your family history. Maybe it’s time for you to call Marcus?”  
“Yeah, is it alright if I leave Rosie here for a moment and go out in the backyard. I need some air.”  
“Of course, John. I will order some food. What shall we eat?”  
“I can make some bolognese sauce with pasta? All the ingredients are in the kitchen and it’s more than enough for all of us.”   
“Richard loves to cook. What do you say?”  
“If it’s not too problematic for you?” John looks at Richard.  
“The more people to cook for the happier I am! Richard laughs.  
……………………………………………………………………….  
John goes down and knocks on Mrs Hudson’s door.  
After chatting for sometime about Rosie, he asks if he can go through to the backyard? He tells her that he must make an important phone call and he needs some privacy and fresh air.  
“Go on then, you must hurry before your little sweetheart wakes up.”

Marcus answers on the fourth ring.  
“Hi, it’s John Watson.”  
“Oh, hi John. Has something happened?”  
“No. Well, nothing bad has happened. I told you about my friend Sherlock Holmes?”  
“Yes?”  
“I have told him that I’m bisexual and going to therapy. He then told me he was gay and that evening on a date with a man called Richard.”  
“I’m so sorry to hear that, when we talked I understood that you love him so very much.”  
“Yes.” The word slips out of him in a gasp. “But he has agreed to help me understand where the rampant homophobia in my family comes from. I have told him about the diary and that you are Father’s last lover. He is wondering if you would agree to meet us?”  
“You will try to understand Hamish?”  
“Yes.”  
“John, we were friends and lovers for 21 years and first now do I understand that a big parts of him I have never know or understood.”  
“I have the same feeling and he was my Father!”  
“Well, it would be nice to see you again and meet Mr Holmes. He seems to be a very interesting person.”  
“He is, and a very good friend. We’re going together to therapy to at least save our friendship.”  
“Do you get therapy alone too?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good. Please don’t repeat Hamish’s mistakes. Tell people around you what you feel and accept help to formulate your feelings. If I had to do it all over again I would have made us talk, Hamish and me.”  
“Sorry-  
“No, it isn’t your fault. When would you want to meet me?”  
“As soon as we can?”  
“I will look in my calendar and text you some dates and times. Can we meet here at mine? I have a bit of a problem moving around because of my arthritis.”  
“Yes, that’s fine.”  
“Alright, I will answer you as soon as I can. See you soon.”  
“Yes, Thank you. Take care of yourself, Marcus.”  
……………………………………………………………………………………  
Sherlock writes down some dates that are especially interesting for him in his research of the Watson family. 

1964 September/November Hamish asks Jean out on a date.  
1965 April 1, Hamish becomes 18 years old.  
1965 April 2, Hamish and Jean Leekey wedding day.  
1965 April ? Hamish meets J.H for the first time. He wrote in his diary  
*like a ton of bricks fell over me*

1966 late January Hamish Watson deployment starts in Dahfor.  
1966 the beginning of July a baby boy is born and died a week later.

1967 July Hamish and J. H home on leave. For one year.  
1967 November, Harry is conceived.

 

1968 July Hamish leaves on second deployment.  
1968 August 28, Harry is born.

 

1969 December 3 ,Hamish’s good “friend” J.H dies on a mission.   
1969 December 4, Hamish comes home on recovery leave. He is at first staying at military hospital for 4 months.

 

1970 July, John is conceived.   
1971 April 23, John is born.

 

When Sherlock looks at the list he realizes that Hamish really tried to live up to his Father’s rules. Even if his parents didn’t like him having sex before marriage it was also evidence that he was heterosexual. 

Then making his wife pregnant again as soon as possible when he was home from deployment.   
A sting of sympathy goes through his body even if he knows that this man has hurt his daughter and son badly.

Looking over the list he wonders how long it took before Hamish started studying to be a doctor? 

John opens the door and Sherlock immediately asks.  
“When and where did your Father start to study to become a doctor?”  
“Sometime before I was born. I only know that he was deployed to Ireland in the beginning of 1979. He was there for a year the first time.”  
“He worked as a doctor on that deployment?”  
“I don’t know? There’s information about it in the diary but I don’t remember just now.”  
“Can you please check the timelines?”  
“Yes, of course.”  
“Dinner is ready and a little girl is hungry. Come on! Time to eat.”  
Richard is standing in the doorway of the kitchen and living room smiling at them.


	5. Chapter 5 Sex, shame and suicide.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John haven’t had any sex for a long time, even getting in the mod have been none existent.
> 
> Sherlock and John meets Marcus and new information about John’s mother’s suicide is told by him.   
>  WARNING! IF SUICIDE IS A TRIGGER DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, reader!   
> Sorry for the long wait on this chapter.   
> I have dyslexia and write this fic with the help of three help programs. English isn’t my first language. My language is Swedish. I have tried to get a beta reader to this chapter but nobody have had the time to help me.   
> Well, two weeks of editing I have decided to post it anyway.  
> It’s also the second time in my life that I written a sex scene.  
> Thinking about this it’s maybe better reading a other fic?  
> Anyway, here we go! Tilda

Late that evening, John is laying in his bed in at the flat that doesn’t feel like his home. The flat have never felt like home. Through the babycam he hears Rosie. She is mumbling for herself and then he is snuffling in her sleep. 

John feelings is in a jumble. The whole day has been like a roller coaster. The dinner and the end of the evening had been nice. He’s a bit surprised over how much he likes Richard.  
“He’s a nice man, but why must he be with Sherlock?”  
He turns to his right side, looking for a better way to sleep. But his mind doesn’t give him any rest. 

Marcus had sent a message with times when they could meet and after they had discussed the suggestions, John and Sherlock answers him back that Monday at four o'clock was a good time to meet. 

Only after a couple of seconds he turns back and lays on his back again.  
“It’s good to know that I will see Sherlock again at Monday afternoon.”

Again he hears Rosie babbling for herself in her sleep. He smiles at her doing noises in her sleep.  
“She must have many things to go through in her mind after a very active day. Playing with Richard, he’s so natural with her. It’s obvious that he loves children.”   
John feel a cold shiver going through his body.  
“How’ll I survive if he and Sherlock decides to start a family together?” Suddenly his eyes is full of tears. Before he knows it he’s struggling with not bawling his eyes out.  
The tears falls and he can’t stop them. It’s takes many hours and a diaper change on Rosie before he at last falls asleep.  
…………………………………………………………………………………..  
John doesn’t understand what’s makes him wake up, but when he looks besides his bed he sees Sherlock. Sherlock is standing there besides the bed in his old silky blue dressing gown with bullet hole in the sleeve from when he shot the wall. It makes John smile at the memory. 

He looks silently at John before he leans over and coping his left cheek and let’s his thumb caressing the cheek. He then moves in slowly and starts kissing John’s lips with kitten kisses. John try to sit up in the bed and Sherlock helps him. Sherlock lays his right arm around his shoulder and pulls on John’s left shoulder.  
When John is upright in the bed Sherlock starts to button up his pajamas top at the same time as he leans in again and kisses John’s neck.

It feels fantastic and John moans witch makes the other man stop what’s his doing. He looks into John’s eyes and unbutton the last buttons. He then puts his hands on John’s shoulders and strokes of the garment from his body throwing it on the floor. A smile that’s so soft appear on Sherlock’s face, his eyes are blown wide with big black pupils so John can’t see which color they have besides the black pupils. Holding John’s eyes and caressing the now shirtless shoulders and arms. 

In his eyes John can sees a question. Is it alright for him to carry on? 

John’s heart is pumping hard in his chest and the only thing he hears is his own heartbeat-  
He gives Sherlock a smile and a node.   
Sherlock takes then hold on his own dressing gowns sashes and pulls the gown open. He shrugs out of the gown, the gown falls to the floor. Just like that he’s standing before John naked.   
John can’t stop staring and lets his tongue follow his lips. Before John can stop himself the words are out of his mouth.  
“You’re a stunning man!” The man answers him with a happy smile and climbs into the bed sitting with his knees under his body. He pulls John into his arms catching his lower lip in a kiss. John falls back on the bed, pulling Sherlock over himself.

They kiss like there were no tomorrow. John is surprised over how sweet and hungry Sherlock kisses feels. Electric. Like the man himself, determine and curiosity in every kiss he’s giving. Sherlock is laying half over John’s body so that he feels a very hard cook against his right side leg. He hears a dark sexy voice asking him.  
“Can I touch your lovely cook, darling?”  
“Yes!” Why did he say that? But he loves that the other man is calling him darling. Yes, he damn well wants to be Sherlock’s Darling or whatever sweet things he wants to call him.

He’s thoughts are interrupted when he feels a long, warm and skillfully hand moving over his left shoulder, down to the nipple. Sherlock raises his hand and kisses his fingers one after the the other letting the tip of the fingers become wet, holding John’s eyes at the same time he’s wetting his long lovely fingers. He then puts his fingers back to John’s left nipple, the long finger circle as near as he can the nipple two times before he shimmies over it with his thumb. John can’t understand that’s his body is reacting with a hot waves.  
Nippleplay isn’t something that usually makes him turned on?

“This is Sherlock’s lovely fingers.” The thought has only past his mind before he feels lips against his right nipple and two fingers twinge his other nipple.  
“Oh, you like that.” Sherlock’s whispers with a chocolatey voice.   
John breath out with a flush and can’t stop his hips moving.  
“Do you want a helping hand? The dark voice asks.  
He can only answer with a quick node of his head, exhaling raggedly.  
“Sweetheart, you’re so hard for me. Do you have any lube?

John is throwing out his left arm and stirring in his nightstand drawer. Getting the lube out and opening the tubecap with one hand and pouring into both his and Sherlock’s hands at the same time.  
“Do you want to feel my cook in your hand? the lovely voice of the man he loves asks. He can’t answer only reaching for his lovers cook. 

It feels so good!

Sherlock’s long fingers is holding him and stroking with a lovely twists that he himself likes to do when mastrubating.  
His own hand is on a long thin cook, so like the rest of the body of Sherlock.

John smiles and turns his head into the warmth of Sherlock’s neck, kissing it.   
“Plump head on his dick that is the same as his ass! He moves over the head feeling the start of eruption coming.  
“I love you!” Comes over his lips the same moment his orgasm hits his body. 

He wakes up and Rosie is screaming from the baby monitor. His breathing is hard and the orgasm is still rippling through his body.  
He looks around after Sherlock. “Where have you gone?” He asks loudly.  
Then he realizes that he’s had a sex dream.   
Rosie is screaming and crying rather upset now. 

“Coming Sweetheart!”  
He tries to stand but he’s still weak after the orgasm.   
“Well, it’s the best orgasm I had in years.” He thinks sorrowful.  
He takes a baby swipe from the nightstand drawer.  
Cleaning himself before leaving for a quick visit to the toilet.

When he comes out and goes into Rosie’s room she has cried herself to sleep again.   
John feels like the worst dad in history and is ashamed over having a sex dream about his best friend that’s in a relationship with a man that isn’t him and are a better man than he is.  
………………………………………………………………………………….  
The next day, Sunday.  
John couldn’t stop thinking about the dream. Shame, lust and many other feelings keeps creeping into his brain. Thoughts about Sherlock’s hands and body that had been so vivid in his dream. For fuck sake, he didn’t know how Sherlock private parts looks like! He hasn’t thought about Sherlock’s cock looks like-   
No, it’s a lie!   
He has thought about Sherlock’s hands and cock.  
But he didn’t know how Sherlock’s hands would feel!   
How his hands would feel touching him, making him feel good!  
Then he feels a feeling he hasn’t felt for a long time when he’s awake.

As his body reacts to his thoughts, he tries to hide the fact from his daughter, who is sitting at the table and eating her lunch.  
"Rosie, I will only go to the toilet. Eat you lunch in the meanwhile."  
"OK, dad!"  
He slips out of the kitchen, keeping his back to her. It's good that he made her favourite meal today - shephard's pie and salad.  
……………………………………………………………………………………  
Monday afternoon   
he and Rosie goes to Baker Street to leave Rosie in Richard and Mrs Hudson’s care in the meantime Sherlock and him are visiting Marcus.  
John has a hard time meeting both Sherlock and Richard’s eyes. Feeling like he done something wrong, dreaming about Sherlock and him having sex.

“Is something wrong? Sherlock asks him in the cab on the way to Marcus.  
“No! He bites his lip before he decides to say something more.  
“We will be visiting very closely to the place where I grow up. Haven’t been there after I left for my first employment. Don’t know what to feel about it?”  
“So Marcus lives near your old family home?  
“Yes, On 3th Charrington Street, a parallel road to where we used to live at 24th Penryn Street.”  
“Do you want to see your house? Reflexively John lifts his shoulders and make a face. His feelings is all over the place at the moment.  
“Well, we can visit Marcus first and talk to him and after that you can decide what you want to do? Sherlock’s voice is so soft that John get a lump in his trout.  
“Yes, thank you.”

When they arrive at a little house that seems to be built sometimes in the 1960 or maybe early 1970. The house and a well kept little garden in front of the door.

Marcus opens the door and smiles happily at John.   
Sherlock thinks it’s amusing that the man looks like the older movie star Cary Grant when he was older. His dad used to look at old Cary Grant movies and had shown Sherlock interviews in the paper when Mr Grant was older with his picture in it.   
He smiles for himself, dad and John’s and their movie nights.   
Marcus has gray hair in a very smart fashion his body is long and lean and still muscular. His eyeglasses are dark brown but makes him even more attractive.  
When Sherlock comes nearer the man takes his hand and shakes it, he sees that Marcus eye color is in a light brown color.   
A very interesting color on a pair of eyes, he thinks at the same time as he’s shaking the man’s hand.

“Welcome! Nice to meet you Mr Holmes.”  
“Sherlock, please. Nice of you too answers John and mine’s question.”  
“Well, maybe it will give me some answers to Hamish behavior to?  
“You don’t think you knew him as much as you could have?  
“Do you ever know a person to one hundred percent?  
“People can always surprise you even after a long time together.”  
“Yes, and Hamish was a very private person. I feel blessed that he let me know him as good as I did. But sometimes- “  
“Yes, the one person you feel the most close to in life can still surprise you and hurt you badly.” When John hears Sherlock’s words he breathes in a breath harshly. He then looks at Sherlock and wonders if he hurt Sherlock more then he knows he has?

The little house is cozy, furnish with blue, white and yellow colors.  
The living room had a big L shaped sofa with a big white sofa table in front of it.   
The walls have bookshelves after bookshelves full with books and items from all over the world. In front of the window are two white rocking chairs with a table cluttered with books.   
“Sorry for the mess, but it’s a bachelors home!” The smile and michshef in Marcus eyes says that he isn’t even a little sorry for how his house looks.  
John snorts and says before he even thinking about what he’s saying.  
“Well, you should see our home, Sherlock insist that dust is elegant!   
“How would I know if you or anyone else’s have touched anything if it wouldn’t be for the dust? Hmmm! 

Marcus laugh at them.  
“I didn’t know you guys lives together?   
“No, not now, we started out as flatmates many years ago. Then I left to chase after a criminal and a criminal network.”   
“Haven’t you heard about Sherlock’s death and resurrection in the paper’s?  
“Sorry, I don’t read the news papers, books is my thing.”  
“We were flatmates for nearly two years before the incident with Moriarty and my hiatus too take down his criminal network. John moved to another flat when I was gone. Now I live at 221B Baker Street again but John and Rosie lives in the house Mary and he lived at.”

The silence after Sherlock’s explanation are ear deafening. John looks at the floor and Marcus inspects the faces of the two men in front of him. Then he coughs and says.

“Please, take a seat.”  
John goes over to one of the rocking chairs at the window and Sherlock nearly falls down at the nearest sofa corner.   
Marcus sits down at the other corner of the sofa, half way between the two men.   
It’s still uncomfortable silent between them.

“John has asked me to investigate and help him understand why the homophobia have become such a big thing in the Watson family. After he read Hamish diaries that he wrote all his life. One of they ways for me to investigate is to talk with the people still living and especially to you that was one of his long time partners in life?”

“We never lived together.” The voice that answers Sherlock is so low and sad.  
Sherlock and John can hears the hurt feelings in the old man’s voice.   
“You had a long romantic relationship even if you didn’t live together? Isn’t that right understanding of what Hamish wrote?  
“I don’t know how many times I asked him to move in with me. Especially after Harry and John left home and his Father and his in laws had died. The only answer I got was a cold NO!   
“He remained at the house John grow up in?  
“Hamish hated that house! But he was afraid for his own shadow. We had a sexual relationship at nearly 15 years and remained friends that meet for coffee, dinner or only for him to help me with the garden to the day he died.”

“Who ended your sexual relationship?” The words a ript from John’s lips. 

“I did.” The voice is still low and sad. “After one time to many of his negative response to moving in with me or buying another house some other place there we could live together. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Living a half life always waiting on his bread crumbs of affection and companionship. There were nobody left for him to think of that would take it badly if we lived together. Yes, his sister! But they were never close and they so each other maybe on time a year or less!”  
“Have you meet Peggy? John can’t stop the question.  
“Many times in the later years of his life. That were after Hamish and mine relationship had become only friendship and he was really drinking himself to death.   
We meet the first time after he had come home from a rehab and Peggy needed someone to help her collect him from the place. Peggy thought I was a friend that your dad tried to save from sodomy! He snorts when he says that.

“You had a new relationship at that time?” The question is said very softly from Sherlock.   
“It were fourteen months before Hamish died. Six months before that I had met Eric on one of my traveling trips to Manchester. The day Hamish left for rehab Eric moved in with me. Eric died eight months ago yesterday in emphysema.” His voice breaks when he tells them this.   
“Excuse me, I will be right back! He stumbles up on his feets and goes out of the room.   
“This! This is heartbreaking, Sherlock! John’s voice is squeezed out of him.  
“Yes.”

John stands up and starts to walk around the room. He’s so agitated and his left hand is clinging to his left side so it wouldn’t move. Sherlock also stands up and goes after him, when he comes near the other man he pulls him close. 

“You’re not alone and you’re not your Father, remember that!

“Oh, sorry! They hear the voice of Marcus behind them.   
Sherlock doesn’t look on the man, his eyes is instead on the man he’s holding in his arms.  
“It’s okay, come and site besides me John? He is holding John’s right hand in his and tugging at it to make John come with him. 

John gives Marcus a long look before he follows Sherlock to the sofa and sits down besides him. Sherlock doesn’t releases his hand. Instead he’s intertwine his hand with John’s hand. John looks down on their joint hands a bit surprised over how small his hand looks in Sherlocks but how secure and warm his hand feels.

Marcus returns to the place at the sofa that he occupied before his feelings got the better of him. 

“Sorry if this question drags up old hurt feelings, if it’s to hard for you to answer please say stop.” Sherlock looks at Marcus with a concern look.

“I won’t say it doesn’t hurt to think about what happened but Eric was a blessing in my life.”   
“I can understand that, but it’s always hard to break a relationship that’s isn’t good for you but you still love the person you’re living.” Sherlock’s voice is soft and understanding. John’s stomach makes a somersault of emotions when he hears what he says. 

“When did you meet Hamish for the first time?  
“We meet at a grieving group after his wife committed suicide and my boy was killed in a car accident at the end of 1982” 

John rapidly starts to talk, seeing at nothing but obviously feeling things.  
“Mum killed herself with sleeping tablets the night between second to third of November 1982. Father was out with friends at a poker night and didn’t come home before after midnight. He slept on the couch in the living room. Both I and my granny so him that night. Granny did see him when she went to the toilet a couple of times between one and seven in the night. I so him in the morning sometime between five and six when I needed water to drink.”  
It’s words coming out of his mouth that he said many times before. He has told the police, family members and noise family friends at the time. Its still hurts saying the same words.  
Sherlock grip on his hand gets a bit harder and he looks on John with sympathy in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry that you had to live through that, John.” Marcus voice penetrating John’s thoughts.  
“Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss of your son.”  
“Thank you, it’s something we both will never get really over, isn’t it? You over your loss of your mum and me of my son?  
“You learn to live with it. Our I have thought I had learnt to live with it?  
When Rosie was born I thought very much about how my mum would have been as a grandmother? It’s hurts that she never had the opportunity to be that.”

Marcus is looking down on his hands that is folded in his lap.  
“It’s something that really messed Hamish up to, your mother’s death.  
He never could forgive himself for what happened at that time.”

“How do you mean? Sherlock asks in a low voice, afraid of overstepping with questions.  
“Do you remember what happened shortly before your mother died, John?  
“No? What do you mean?  
“Your dad was send home in late August because he had ending up fighting with a man. Do you remember?   
John is shaking his head and trying to remember what happened before mum did what she did.

“No, the only thing I remember is that Father deployment ended early. But that wasn’t any big thing?   
“You was only eleven years old, they most have protected you from knowing what happened. Didn’t Hamish write anything in his diary at that time?  
“He didn’t write much in the time between J.H death and meeting you. It’s mostly about what he read, eat and how much alcohol he drank?  
“Do you want to know what happened in Ireland before he was sent home?

Nervously John looks at Sherlock, seeking support and asking for what to do with his eyes.  
“It’s up to you.” Sherlock answers his questionly look.

He is silent for a second before he decide how to proceed.  
“Go on, nothing you say can change what happened to mum?

Marcus goes to a bookshelve at the door. There is a carved wooden box, very beautiful.   
He takes out a letter and goes back to site down on the sofa. 

“Days before Hamish died he gave me this letter. He asked me to save it and if you or your sister ever asked me about Ireland or your mums death I would then give you this letter and tell you the story behind it being written.”

Now John’s face is like steal but he is still holds Sherlock’s hand in his.   
“Go on!   
“It started two weeks after your dad's deployment in Northern Ireland in late February 1979. He meets a man working as a nurse at the hospital he’s stationed at.  
After sometime Hamish realizes that the man, Roger is interested in him.   
They flirt but nothing happens before one evening after they both drunk to much and- “  
Marcus looks a bit embarrassed out. Searching for words.  
“Roger and my Father had a hook up!   
“Yes.”  
Still a bit embarrassed and not finding the right words the room falls silent again.

“Did someone catch them in compromising situation? Sherlock is eagerly asking, he can’t stand the silence anymore.   
“No, not at that time and not later when the had *hook ups*. Marcus is coughing and blushing.   
“Then what happened? John is so bewildered.  
“1981 in November Hamish was deployed a second time to the same place. Roger is there and they started to hook up again but Hamish didn’t love him. He said to me that it was like *scratching a itch*.”  
John is nodding his head understanding the feeling. It’s nothing that he’s proud over but he understand. 

“Then in July a new male nurse is starts flirting with Roger, a male nurse. Roger thinks he can make Hamish jealous and more interested in him by flirting back with the new nurse. Openly in front of Hamish. Nothing happens, no reaction of jealousy. Roger, disappointed with not getting the reaction he hoped for tells his new man that Hamish is his latest lover.”

Sherlock lifts one eyebrow at that.  
“Stupid people!” He thinks for himself.

“Two weeks later at 21 of August he threw a blow at Hamish head. Hamish answering with blows back and there needs four men to separate them from the fight.” 

“So Father was sent home?   
“Not before both men were carefully interrogated. Hamish didn’t say anything about the reason behind the fight and the other man didn’t say anything either.  
The were both sent home for further investigation to be made and after that the decision would be made if they could return to duty or not”

“A fight without any of the involved in the fight making any accusations of the other part would probably be seen as a drunken growl, if they had been drinking?  
John says with a thoughtful voice.

“Yes, that was what Hamish said to. He thought he would get a slap and a note in his service book but would soon return to duty. Then this letter arrived. Receiving address Jean Watson from Roger Hammer!”

John is up from the sofa and in front of Marcus in no time at all. He is shouting.  
“Roger told my mother that Father was gay!?  
“Yes.”  
“Why?!”  
“Read for yourself.”

John takes the letter and goes too Sherlock.  
“Please, read for me? He’s begin him.

 

From Sherlock’s notes on the case of Watson family   
1964 September/November Hamish asks Jean out on a date.  
1965 April 1, Hamish becomes 18 years old.  
1965 April 2, Hamish and Jean Leekey wedding day.  
1965 April ? Hamish meets J.H for the first time. He wrote in his diary  
*like a ton of bricks fell over me*

1966 late January Hamish Watson deployment starts in Dahfor.  
1966 the beginning of July a baby boy is born and died a week later.

1967 July Hamish and J. H home on leave. For one year.  
1967 November, Harry is conceived.

 

1968 July Hamish leaves on second deployment.  
1968 August 28, Harry is born.

 

1969 December 3 ,Hamish’s good “friend” J.H dies on a mission.   
1969 December 4, Hamish comes home on recovery leave. He is at first staying at military hospital for 4 months.

 

1970 July, John is conceived.   
1970 September Hamish starts his studies to become doctor.  
1971 April 23, John is born.  
1979 February 2, Hamish begins his deployment to Ireland as a Doctor.

1980 February 14, Home on leave for eighth months.   
1980 November 1, Hamish comes home for one year.

1981 November 1, Hamish second deployment starts in Ireland.

1982 August 23, Hamish comes home after being drunk and fighting.   
Waiting on   
1982 November 3, John’s mother kills herself by taking sleeping tablets in the evening. She is found the next morning by her husband when his wondering why she isn’t up and making breakfast.   
1982 November 10, Jean Leekey Watson’s funeral.

 

https://goo.gl/images/Lvum1X photo of a older Cary Grant.


	6. Chapter 6 The Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock reads the letter that John’s mum got before her suicide.
> 
> Marcus have more information to give about Hamish.
> 
> Beta read chapter by srebrnafh. Thank you so very much for your help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! If suicide is a trigger for you, please don’t read this chapter.  
> If you live with suicide thoughts, please seek help.   
> Be kind to yourself.

Sherlock holds the letter in his hand and the hand is trembling.  
“Please, read it for me!” John sounds afraid when he sits down beside Sherlock again and takes his hand.  
Sherlock starts to read the letter.  
…………………………………………………………………………...  
Roger Hammer   
Somewhere in  
England  
Dear Mrs Watson, 29th October 1982 

Do you know why your husband was in a fight on his last deployment?  
It’s because he had been my lover. My new lover didn’t like that I still loved Hamish. 

The problem is that Hamish can’t forget the love of his life J.H.  
Do you remember him?   
The man that your children are named after, John Henry Doyle.  
J.H that died 3 of December 1969!   
Yes, they had been lovers for many years at that time. Their love story started when they met at Sandhurst 1965.  
He can’t love you but you were a convenient shield against being prosecuted by the law at that time and now you’re the mother of his children. 

Oh, don’t be afraid. He will never leave you and the children!   
But I want you to know that you will never be the woman he loves because you’re a woman. Someday a new man will cross his pathway, for a night, for some days or maybe for a longer relationship.  
You have the good fortune to claim him in public, we both occupy the same place in his heart - that is to say, we are not in it.   
He loves you for you’re the mother of his children and that you’re *a good person*. His words not mine. But neither I nor you will take J. H’s place in his heart!

Sincerely, a broken man.

Roger Hammer   
…………………………………………………………………………………..  
The first words out of Sherlock’s mouth after he finishes the letter are, “Hell hath no fury like a man scorned,” which is a strange thing to say at that moment. But he’s thinking about the old quotation about a scorned woman.

“He wanted to hurt both Hamish and his wife in any way possible. Jean Leekey Watson was a good woman and Hamish did like her. He never wanted to hurt her. Time and time again he talked about it to me about how bad he felt over what happened. Hamish thought they would had been good friends if he hadn’t been forced to marry her. He really felt guilty for deceiving her into having sexual relationship with him. Then when she got pregnant they were both forced into marriage even though he knew that he didn’t love her the way he should.”

“Mum must have been crushed.” He’s shaking his head in disbelief before he says. “She loved him so much, nearly desperately. Even as a child I understood that it couldn’t be good for her.”

“How do you mean?” Sherlock is mystified over John’s comment.   
“She-“ He can’t find the words to explain what he mean, he tries again to answer Sherlock’s question. 

“Sometimes I thought she degraded herself to get his attention. When he was home she tried to look as nice as she could, even when doing laundry, vacuuming the house or taking care of Harry and me. She did everything so that he didn’t need to do anything about the house!” frustrated, he drops Sherlock’s hand and his tight fists hit his thighs in agitation.

The other two men silently look at him and then at each other, both wondering what to say.  
“Don’t think Hamish didn’t feel remorse over how he treated your mother, he did. I think that was the reason he started to drink even more after she died.”  
John snorts when he hears Marcus words.  
“He drank before that every Saturday!”

“The first ten years that we were together he mostly drunk at weekends. Yes, he could be drunk from Friday evening to Monday morning but he didn’t drink on a work day.”  
“When did you and Father start your relationship?”  
“New Years day 1984.”  
“Oh! I thought it’s started early after mum died?”  
“We started flirting in the summer of 1983 but we didn’t do anything, not even a hug or kiss before that day. Nothing!”  
“Why?”

“Your dad said after we got together that he really mourned your mum. He didn’t understand how you and Harry could stand the loss of your mother. The guilt ate at him, every day as long as I knew him.”  
“The teenager in me would have been happy to know that, adult me feels sorrow over both him and me. Now I know that you do as good as you can with the knowledge you have at that time you make a decision. Good or bad.”  
There is such a sorrow in John’s voice.   
“Do you know why Hamish’s punishment was so hard when his children showed interest in a person with the same sex as their own?” The question is made rather briskly by Sherlock.  
“Self hate? Religion? Family? I can’t answer that. Sometimes he could get so upset, over Harriet especially. He told me after some years together what he did to you one time, John. I couldn’t understand that and we argued about it.”  
“What was the result of the fight?” John asks calmly and with no feelings in his voice. Marcus stares at him for a long time before he answers the question.

“He said that if you were mostly straight you would have a better life as a man with a family. Even if you sometimes cheated on your wife with a man!  
Yeah, I couldn’t believe he said that either!”  
“He wanted me to cheat so I could stay *straight* for society around me?”  
Marcus nods his head.  
“That was one of the reason I broke up our relationship. When he couldn’t start a open relationship with me. Living together and proudly say we love each other.   
No, I was out of the closet for many years at that time, couldn’t stand it anymore, having a partner in the closet.”

“One last question - do you know why my grandfather was so homophobic?”  
“Nothing specific, but Hamish said one time very drunk that your great grandfather was in a scandal. *you must do everything to not make a scandal, the family can’t take one more!* that’s what he said that night. We were arguing about us moving in together and I pushed for him to come out.”  
“A scandal?” Now Sherlock is really interested. It must have something to do with sex because why would Hamish talk about it being drunk and arguing about wanting to stay in the closet?  
It’s obvious for Sherlock that John can’t stand more information right now. He’s quiet and seems to be faraway in his thoughts.

“I think it’s best that we end this conversation now. It’s been hard for both of you talking openly about old grief. Can I contact you if I have any questions later after investigation of what scandal Hamish talked about?” Sherlock stands up and only addresses Marcus.   
“Of course you can. I would like to know what it was that influenced Hamish so badly in his life. It must have been something terrible.”  
“Best not to speculate before we have the correct data.”   
Marcus nods at Sherlock’s last words and turns to John to say, “I hope we’ll keep in touch, it’s been so good to see that you become such a good man. Sorry that we couldn’t meet when you was younger.”  
“Father didn’t want us to meet.” It's a quiet acknowledgment of what the older man meant. “You may want to meet Rosie, Hamish grandchild?  
Marcus eyes tears up when he answers John’s question.  
“You would let me meet her? Thank you, I accept gladly to meet her and you.”  
“Good, she needs some older people in her life. Maybe you can tell Rosie about her grandfather when she gets older?  
“It would be an honor, John!

They say their goodbyes and John promises to call soon and then they can decide to meeting with Rosie.

“Are you alright, John?  
Sherlock ask when they stand on the pathway.   
“Tired. If it’s okay with you I would like to go to Baker Street and Rosie.”  
“Your old house will stand where it is for a later time, John. Let’s go home.”  
John thinks for himself. “If that was a true statement, I would have been happy.”  
………………………………………………………………………………….  
Sherlock’s notes written later that evening after emailing Marcus for clarifications.

1982 3 November Jean Leekey Watson is found dead in the bedroom.  
1983 January Hamish and Marcus meets for the first time at a grieving support group that the church have organized. 

1983 February/ March Hamish realizes that Marcus is gay and open about being gay.

1983 May 3 Hamish sees John hugging another boy after a rugby match. He gets angry and punishes John by breaking his nose and arm. 

1984 New Year’s Day Hamish and Marcus start their sexual relationship

1999 late that year, Marcus ends their sexual relationship.

2002 Marcus meets Eric and they start a relationship.  
2003 1 Feb. Hamish leaves for rehab.

2003 2 Feb. Eric moves in with Marcus. 

2004 4 May Hamish death day.


	7. Dinner with Richard, damned that man!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is having a hard time, liking the boyfriend of the man you love isn’t easy.  
> Richard is a caring man that’s helping both of the stupid men to talk with each other.   
> Sorry, I have a bit of a crush for Richard!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn’t beta read. I have had help in parts from the lovely people on Discord’ Johnlock club. Thank you everyone that helped me. 
> 
> If someone feels that they would like to beta read this fic, please contact me here or on Tumblr. Maybe then this fic would be a bit faster written? Tildathings.

Richard opens the kitchen door and says.  
“Dinners is ready, Rosie has already eaten.”  
John looks at the man and are both feeling grateful for his help and jealousy over how at home he’s at Baker Street.  
“Thank you, but we shouldn’t intrude more on your and Sherlock’s time together.”  
“John, it’s alright. Dinner is already cooked and I would really want to know how the investigation is going.”  
“What’s for dinner?” Sherlock asks briskly and give Richard a peck on the cheek. Before he passes him into the kitchen.  
“Mrs Hudson and I made a roast beef and potatoes salad. We thought it would be good to make something that you could eat both warm and cold.”  
“Good thinking. I’m hungry! The two other men looks at him in surprise. Sherlock admitting to being hungry!

A sequel comes from Rosie when she sees Sherlock in the kitchen. She is sitting on the floor in the living room banging with a wooden spoon at a saucepan.   
“Hi Watson! Are you cooking with Richard and Mrs H?” Sherlock goes to her and gives her a kiss on her head. She looks up on him with her big eyes and suddenly a big smile takes over her face. The spoon gets thrown in the air and nearly hits Sherlock in his face. Sherlock catches it in the last minute.  
“Careful little Watson. Shall we make some music with our hands instead?  
He leans over and gets hold of a wooden box that’s standing besides the couch. It’s empty and gives a interesting sound when he bangs on it with his hands.  
Rosie starts to laugh. 

John and Richard are watching them from the kitchen. Richard shrugging his shoulders and says. “We can start to eat at the meantime.” The table is set with three plates and the food looks delicious. 

When John takes the first bit of green salad it taste very good with a citrus dressing courting the greens.   
“How do you feel after meeting Marcus? Richard takes a mouthful of food and waits on John’s replay.   
“I don’t know? It’s hard to understand that this man have been in my Father’s life for a very long time, and meant so much for him without me and Harry knowing anything about him? All the time when Father didn’t come home at the evening’s and nights, telling us that he was working or meeting *friends*.”  
“He often slept at Marcus place?  
“The older Harry and I got the more nights he didn’t come home. Grandma and Grandfather were still living with us. I was fifteen when my Grandfather died and seventeen when Grandma died.”  
“I’m so sorry.”  
“Why? It’s not you that’s have done anything wrong? He stares at the other man.  
Richard answers him calmly.  
“No, but I can understand that the experience of abandonment still hurts you. No matter what age you are, abandonment hurts. It’s hurts even if the person leaving you isn’t at fault when doing it. When my husband was killed-“ His voice breaks and he can’t go on speaking. 

John feel a connection between them he never thought he would feel for the man dating Sherlock.  
“Now it’s my turn to say sorry, Sherlock said you lost your husband nearly two years ago? he looks at Richard with sympathy.  
“Yes, a traffic accident on his way home from work. A drunk driver smashed into his car, Alex died instantly.”  
“So horrible for you. But he didn’t abandon you. He was trying to get home to you that day.” John can’t find the right words he’s struggling to make Richard feel better because he sees how upset the man is.   
“I know, but I still feels likes he left me. We had just decided to become parents after five years together. It didn’t matter if we had adopted a child or by a surrogate mother. We had a Doctors appointment the next week to get physical to see if we could go the surrogate way? with light blush on his cheeks and a shy look at John he says. “You know, see if the sperm quality and such thing. It’s like I have been in a tunnel for the last years. Only after meeting Sherlock have I started to live again without thinking about- 

The hurt in his face tells John that he’s still struggling. 

“Can I help in anyway? hesitant John ask, he doesn’t want to intrude but he can understand the other man’s feelings.  
“You have already helped me by letting me babysit Rosie. Now I know that I want to be a dad. How, and with another man as my partner is a later issue.”  
“What do Sherlock say about- he stops speaking searching for words.   
The thought hurts so much. Sherlock being a parent together with another man then him.

“Nothing, we are only dating, John. I don’t know how I feel about it either.   
How did you feel when you started dating Mary?   
“Like I started to breath again.” The words comes out of John very slowly and in a low voice. He has a flashback to how what his feelings had been at that time. The feelings had shifted between small moments of laughter to being really sad and angry. Without really thinking he ask Richard.

"How would you feel if one day Alex showed up with a stupid moustache and just said 'Tada!', spread his arms and gave you a goofy smile?"  
“Sherlock told me that’s what he did when he come back. What a stupid way to do it!  
“You agreeing with me? John can’t believe his ears.  
“Of course it was! I can also understand why you was so angry and then married your wife. But isn’t it time you forgive him in your heart now?   
“I have already forgiven him! In the train with the bomb, haven’t he told you that story?”  
“Yes, he told me that you saved the parliament. Mentally you have forgiven him, but what about your heart?

“What are you two talking about? John, your daughter needs you and I’m hungry! Sherlock storms into the kitchen with a worried face on display.   
“Eat John, I take care of Rosie. You- “ he points at Sherlock with a finger when he passes him on his way out to the living room. “Just take care of your best friend that have had a horrible day. Feed him, cuddle him! He needs it even if he isn’t telling you that.”

Sherlock shuffles his feet and makes a glance at John.

John doesn’t know what to do or say. He’s blushing and takes up Sherlock’s plate and starts putting meat and potatoes salad on it instead.  
“What did you two speak about? Sherlock asks again looking at John with searching eyes. 

“We talked about Alex and losing loved ones. Sherlock, come here!  
At first he stands there looking at John, then he steals himself and goes to the other man. John stands up from where he’s sitting and turns to him. When Sherlock stops in front of him he lays his arms around him and hugs him. A hug that’s mimic the hug he gave him after the speech at his wedding.

“Richard made me understand one thing just now. He made me realize that I have forgiven you from leaving me in my heart the day you showed me the scars on your back. At last you told me about the three snipers. That’s the first time I really understood how much you were willing to sacrifice for me and your other friends. Now it’s my turn to give you reasons to forgive me in your heart for what I done to you.”

Sherlock takes a breath to respond but John interrupts him.  
“You’re right to not have forgiven me for hurting you in so many ways. Hitting you when you were high. That’s why we’re talking about this in therapy and not now.”

“Alright, we do it your way then.” His voice is low and he looks at John shyly. His heart is beating very hard.   
“Dinner? John asks with a smile.  
“Yes, hungry!”  
…………………………………………………………………………………….  
Later that night in John’s bedroom.

John is dreaming. A man is going down on him. He knows it’s a man’s big mouth and he’s trailing his fingers through the man’s dark hair.   
It’s so good! The right amount of sucking and big hands gripping his cheek’s at the same time, caressing them. He wants to see the face of the man.

“Look at me! he moans to the man.  
Then he meets Sherlock’s shy eyes under the fringe of curly hair. Long dark eyelashes and a blushing face.  
“Oh!” John jerks awake at the same time as he ejakulates. He groans into the pillow.

After he sits up and puts his face in is hands feeling shameful over what just happened.  
…………………………………………………………………………………….  
John at therapy with Peter the next day. 

John can’t sit still while waiting for previous client to be finished with Peter.

He’s walking around in the reception. Theo is looking at him with a curious look, John meets his eyes and the secretary lifts a eyebrow in a silent question.  
“Too much coffee today. Just one of those days, you know.”  
“Yeah, some days you need the caffeine to get through the day.” The younger man smiles back at him. “Much to do at work?  
“Yes, I had a student following me today. The question she had were endlessly!  
“Yes, but it’s important that the students gets a insight on how things works and if it's something they want to do in the future.”  
“Suppose you’re right but it can be exhausting to have a student following you.”   
Especially if you have a lot to think about for yourself, John thinks without saying anything out loud.

The client before him comes out from Peter’s office. She looks down at the carpet and passes John without looking at him.  
“John, please come in.” Standing in the doorway Peter holds up the door for him.  
John nods and gives Theo a smile when he passes him on his way to Peter’s office.  
……………………………………………………………………………………  
“How are you today?”   
How can the man look so calm and collected? Irritated John gives the man in the other armchair a glare.  
“You seems to be a bit irritated? calmly Peter looks back at him.  
“I want to talk about something I’m not proud of.”  
“That’s fine, take the time you need to tell me what’s bothering you.”  
John shaking his head thinking if he really should tell Peter, then he decides to tell him.  
“I’ve had a sex dreams about Sherlock whit *happy endings*. It’s so embarrassing! He can’t meet the other man’s eyes and restlessly moves his hands.

“That’s good news, I mean, you told me in the beginning of our therapy sessions that you thought you’d become impotent? From the client armchair comes a snorting noise.  
“It seems the only thing I needed was to see Sherlock caressing Richard’s body with his big hands.”  
“When did you see that? Peter is surprised.

“You said when we last met that I should talk to Sherlock about the interview in the paper? Well, we meet up on Saturday for brunch. Richard were with him. They had realized that a baby and a hard conversation didn’t go well together. Richard loves children so he babysat Rosie at a another table at first. Later  
after they had eaten, Richard took her to the swings that’s nearby the Restaurant.

“What did you and Sherlock talk about?   
“How I reacted when I so the headlines on Friday’s paper. My call to you and asking for a emergency session.”  
“What did he say about that?  
“That I make Richard to be a bigger problem then he is, them dating haven’t anything to do with us being friends. Sherlock said we’re to broken now and he was afraid that our friendship wouldn’t last if we didn’t go to therapy.  
When he said that something clicked in me. I started to wonder why my family are so homophobic? I asked for Sherlock to help me to investigate where’re the hate and fear coming from?

“Did he agree to help you? Peter is lifting a eyebrow when he asks the question.

“Yes, he wanted to go on the site Ancestry.com and if it was possible meet my Father’s last lover Marcus. That’s the reason to me and Rosie followed Sherlock and Richard back to Baker Street that afternoon.”  
“Ah, and that’s when you so them in a intim situation? Peter is trying to hide a little smile with a hand over his mouth.   
Again irritation flares through John. Why is Peter so amused?  
“Yes! I’m not a pervert, I didn’t try to stalk them! He inhales soundly.   
“I had put Rosie in Sherlock’s bed for a nap. On my way back from the bedroom I see Sherlock leaning against the table and Richard leaning against him. Sherlock’s hands where moving over his arms and back.” He stops talking and stares blindly and silently for a long time. Peter is waiting him out, not pushing for a response.   
John is trying to collect himself feeling lost and sad. 

“I don’t understand how that would make me dream about having sex with Sherlock later that night. He’s Richard’s boyfriend!  
“You only dreamed about Sherlock? Not Richard?  
“Only Sherlock! I dreamed Sherlock having sex with me both at Saturday night and last night.   
“Did you meet Sherlock yesterday? The psychiatrist do a notation and doesn’t look at John.   
“Yesterday we visited Marcus in the afternoon. It was hard meeting him. To go back and remember my childhood and my mother’s suicide.” Again he becomes silent. Restlessly moving his hands and left leg. 

Then he makes eye contact with the other man and starts talking quickly.  
“Marcus told us that he and my Father were together for fifteen years and friends for nearly six before he died. Breaking up because my Father couldn’t bring himself to come out from the closet. Everyone that could have had anything against it was dead besides my Aunt Peggy. I don’t want to make the same mistake and lose my chance to love!  
“Sherlock must have been so much support for you at that meeting?  
“He was holding my hand and read the horrible letter that was send to my mother from a former hookup my Father had at his last deployment. That letter made her decide to-“ he can’t get the words out of his mouth! Still after all this years it hurts him so badly to think of her and her decision. Why didn’t she talk with someone? They could have gotten a divorce!

“Take a big breath.” Peter orders him. The room becomes very silent. Only breathing noises are heard in the room for a long time, then Peter ask quietly.  
“You realize that when we started this season the first thing you wanted to talk about wasn’t Marcus and getting to know how long their relationship lasted  
or your mother’s reason to ending her life. It was sex dreams about Sherlock that bothers you?  
“It's not right for me to dream about him! He’s with Richard now!   
Agitated he stands up and moves to the window, looking out. Trying to get as far from Peter and his own feelings.

“Why is that so bad? Do you hurt Sherlock or Richard that you dreams about having sex with Sherlock?  
“He’s not single anymore and he’s my friend.”   
“So if you dream about the cashier at Tesco in a sexual way and get a *happy ending*, you think you done something bad? When you have seen a porn movie, do you think everyone of the actors are singles? Hastily John turn around and looks at him. Glaring at him.

“That’s not the same thing and you know it isn’t! I don’t know them or have feelings for them. They’re only a mastrubation material! I haven’t-  
He can’t find the words so he stops speaking.  
“John, this is in your head. You’re not hurting anyone, not Sherlock, not Richard. Yes, maybe you would hurt either of them if you would tell them about the dreams. But if I look at it from the point of view of you and your health, that you could get a erection and release is good for you. Yes, definitely it’s good for you.”  
“Why?” He can’t understand why Peter isn’t upset over what he’s dreamed about.  
“You haven’t had any sexual inclination for over a year.” John flinch when he hears that.  
“You wanted me to get it checked out why I couldn’t get it up, I remember.” He sighs and his left hand is rubbing over his face, he can’t look at Peter any longer. He’s to embarrassed.  
“And you said it wasn’t important, your wife was dead and you had a baby to take care of, remember?

“Yeah, she wasn’t happy with me the last month’s of her life. I couldn’t stand her touching me and felt to embarrassed if I tried satisfying myself in the shower. It was easier too not do anything. Less reason for a argument to start. We were both too tired, taking care of a newborn.”  
“That was after you forgave her and moved back home after Christmas? After you had lived with Sherlock again? Silently John is listening to the other man.   
“Forgive her? I don’t think that was possible. I was to angry at Sherlock and her and god knows over how my life was now.”  
“But when you started to have sexual feelings again its Sherlock you’re dreaming about?  
“You think this has something to do with Sherlock? He’s to shocked at what Peter is telling him, then a lightning thought goes through his mind.   
“Why am I shocked about that, the bloody man are everything to me!”  
“I think that’s a good time for us to break this season. Think about it and we talk again at our solo session next Tuesday.”   
John looks at the time of the watch. Where have the time gone?


End file.
